Run Away Kids
by Avengette
Summary: Pre-serum Steve/Post-Serum Steve. Steve and Bucky have always dreamed of a road trip to California. Now, 70 years later, they finally get the chance. They're new people after the war, after Hydra and after being frozen and waking up in a new world. As they discover this new world together, they also discover themselves and each other. M for swearing, and future smut.


This is the first fic I've decided to post online. I've been writing fanfiction for a couple of months now, but have never posted anything on the internet. Some of this content is inspired by various fanart/tumblr posts online. I cannot take credit for all of the dialogue in this story! But I am very appreciative to the wonderful internet people who posted their fanart and various phrases/dialogue snipits! Anyway, enjoy the story!

Run Away Kids

Bucky Barnes wiped the sweat from his brow as he strolled home after a long day of working on the docks. He sighed and stopped at the convenient store on the corner to pick up a bottle of whiskey. Sure, he normally couldn't afford it, but he had won a bet that day against David Pescadaro- a fellow dock worker- and was feeling pretty good about it. As he entered his small apartment the smell of Italian food filled the air. Garlic and other spices sizzled. A smile spread across Bucky's face as he saw little Steve Rogers standing at the stove cooking dinner. Just how he liked it. Bucky slammed the door behind him and strolled into the kitchen.

"Hey punk," Steve greeted with a smile.

"Jerk," Bucky replied as he opened the fridge and grabbed a coke.

"How was work?" asked Steve.

"Hot as hell out there today, but I did get some extra cash and picked us up a little treat," Bucky grinned as he handed Steve a brown paper bag.

Steve took is and pulled out the bottle of whiskey. A soft smile spread across his soft red lips.

"Bucky, we can't afford this," Steve said.

"I know, I know, but I'm working two doubles this weekend to make up for it and I won a bet today against Pescadaro so I figured what the hell, you know?" Bucky explained himself.

Steve smiled and opened the bottle. He handed it to Bucky to take the first shot. Bucky grabbed the bottle and threw it back. He chased it with his coke and handed it back to Steve.

"We could still go you know," Bucky said softly, changing the subject.

"Bucky, no, there are men dying over there. I'm going to keep trying, we can do this together," Steve shook his head.

"Steve, you're 95 pounds soaking wet, you can barely breathe and...and I don't want to go. I want to stay here, with you," Bucky contradicted.

"There's a war going on, Bucky, and a big one..."

"Steve if I go over there I'm going to die. I'm not coming back, okay? How many of our men have come home? None. They're sending them over in packs and no one's coming home! At least not in one piece..." Bucky roared.

"You can't dodge the draft, it's illegal..."

"So is lying on your army application, Steve! Have you thought of that? If you get caught you'll go to jail and I can't bail you out! I'm headed out to my death, pal and you're trying so desperately to follow me to the grave," Bucky shook his head.

"Well forgive me for wanting to protect our country. Sorry I give a damn about our freedom. Bucky if we don't go over there then there isn't going to be anything to come back to...it won't matter if we die..."Steve shook his head as well before taking a big shot of whiskey and nearly choking.

Bucky angrily handed Steve his coke to chase it and grabbed the whiskey from him.

"Why do you get into so many fights, Steve? One day I'd like to come home and not wonder how you got that black eye or that bruise or. You're always racing into a battle..." Bucky took another shot.

"I'll stop getting into fights when people learn to stop being bullies," Steve answered as he prepared two plates of spaghetti and carried them to the table.

Bucky followed annoyingly and took a seat.

"We could go to Canada...or Mexico..."

"Drop it, Buck. Look, we're gunna go over there, win the war and come home, alright?" Steve assured him.

"And what happens after we come home? Go back to working on the docks? Pulling you out of ally's?" Bucky asked.

"You don't have to take care of me. You'll find a nice dame, settle down and make a life for yourself," Steve shrugged.

"A nice dame...yeah, because that's exactly what I'm looking for, Bucky scoffed.

"Bucky...we're not having this conversation again," Steve stopped eating and sighed.

Bucky smirked sarcastically and took another swig of whiskey from the bottle. He ate in silence, not making eye contact with Steve. He hated Steve sometimes. He hated how well he cooked. How determined he was to fight the good fight. How soft his lips were and how much he loved him. He also hated the idea of finding a dame, having kids and working on the docks for the rest of his life. Steve gathered their plates when they were done and went to wash them in the kitchen.

"Hey we should go to California when we get back, just the two of us. Before we have to move on and go back to work. We can get a car and cruise to the coast," Bucky called to Steve.

"You know what...I think I'd really like that," Steve smiled to himself.

He returned to the living room to see Bucky sprawled out on the couch with the bottle in his hand. Steve grabbed his sketch book and sat on the floor nearby. He began sketching Bucky, as he normally does.

"I'm gunna miss you," Bucky sighed.

"I'm going with you, punk. I'll be over there soon enough with you," Steve smiled.

Bucky just grinned and passed the bottle to Steve. They passed it back and forth till they were giggling and talking loud and brash.

"Let's go on a walk! Let's go get some ice cream!" Steve stood and stumbled a bit.

Bucky just stood from the couch, took another swig from the bottle and grabbed his wallet. He slung his arm around Steve and led them out of the door. They stumbled down the street together laughing loudly and making plans for California.

"We can learn to surf and I'll bury you in the sand," Bucky announced.

"I want...I want to paint. Like go at sunset and capture the moment forever," Steve said as they stumbled along.

"You're such a poet, Stevie," Bucky teased.

"Shut up, Jerk," Steve shoved Bucky lightly.

"Punk," Bucky shoved Steve back.

Bucky watched Steve, taking him all in while he could. The way his blonde hair flopped to the side and hung in front his face. The way his baby blue eyes lit up when he was getting the shit beat out of him in an ally. The natural deep red hue of his soft kissable lips...he wanted every inch of him. Forever. And he knew he would never have it. To be honest, he'd rather die in the war than have to come home and not get to spend the rest of his life with Steve...that might also be the whiskey thinking for him. He was leaving soon. Leaving forever. He'd never get to know how Steve tasted or just how soft those lips really were.

Steve's smile lit up the Brooklyn sky. Bucky had had enough. He grabbed Steve roughly by the arm and pulled him into the nearby ally. He shoved him against the wall in the shadows, behind the dumpster so not to be seen.

"Bucky...what the..." Steve began to say but was quickly cut off by Bucky's lips on his.

He tasted like whiskey and smelled like apple shampoo and cigarettes. Normally, Steve would have pushed him away. Told him that it couldn't be like that. It wasn't acceptable. They'd get killed if anyone found out. But knowing well enough that him and Bucky might not come back from the war...knowing they might die anyway and the large amount of whiskey in his system he didn't stop him. Steve wrapped one hand around Bucky's neck and the other hand twisted through his hair. Bucky pressed his body against Steve's, pinning him against the brick wall.

Steve tasted like whiskey and freedom. He was warm like apple pie and kissed back ferociously.

"I'm never going to forget you, Steve Rogers," Bucky sighed as he pulled away to breathe. "There's a real good chance I'm not coming back from this war, so I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I may never get to see you again so for tonight, just tonight that's all I'm asking, please just..."

"You got it Buck, anything you want," Steve cut him off.

"I love you," Bucky kissed Steve once more.

"Don't forget me out there on the battlefield," Steve begged.

"I won't. Nothing in this world could make me forget how much I love you," Bucky promised.

Steve's name would be the last word's to escape Bucky's dying lips, he could at least promise himself that, right?

Steve Rogers died a little inside at his words. He felt like his heart was being ripped from his chest. _Who the hell is Bucky?_ He promised...he promised he wouldn't forget. The Winter Soldier stared blankly at him. Not phased at all by the man standing before him. Another mission, that's all. When the battle was over. When Steve- for the first time in his life- backed down from a fight, The Winter Soldier recognized two names. Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes. It hurt to remember, he felt his brain burning on the inside and nothing could stop it. So he ran, and he tried to forget.

He couldn't run forever though, he was broken and needed fixed. There was only one man who could fix him, he knew that. But knowing this man wouldn't help him, he didn't know what to do. He didn't have any other options. Stark. He knew that name too, but not Tony. No, he knew Howard. And he only remembered the name from the Smithsonian exhibit. But his son though, was a genius just like him. His arm was metal, but it wasn't indestructible. So one night, he found a way in. He sat in the lab. He waited. He pushed back every voice in his head that told him to run. That labs were a bad place and he would get hurt here. Finally, The Tony Stark strolled in with a hot cup of coffee around 3AM. The cup shattered on the floor when he saw the broken and defeated man.

"I can't fix it myself," Bucky said weakly as he held up his malfunctioning metal arm.

Tony stared a few moments. He knew exactly who this was. Steve wouldn't shut up about him.

"I'll fix it...but you have to do something for me," Tony agreed.

Bucky waited for him to answer.

"You have to go to Steve, he's been looking day and night for you. You have to talk to him, he might be losing his mind," Tony requested.

Bucky simply nodded and agreed. Tony proceeded with caution, gently scanning the arm and finding the errors. Some simple rewiring should do the trick, it wouldn't take more than fifteen minutes. Bucky steadied his breathing. He wouldn't kill Tony Stark. He wouldn't kill Tony Stark. Tony Stark was helping him. He was a good guy.

"Alright that should do it," Tony clapped his hands as he finished up the rewiring.

Bucky moved his arm a bit, yeah, that felt right. Well, as right as a metal arm could feel.

"Steve's probably in his room, he lives here now with the rest of the Avengers. Should I call him or do you wanna surprise him?" Tony asked.

"I can find him myself," Bucky answered before standing and heading for the door.

"Oh and just in case you're thinking of disappearing into the night like some sort of phantom, I planted a tracking device in your arm...courtesy of Stark Industries. So it might be in your best interest to actually go see Steve," Tony called.

Bucky stopped dead in his tracks and spun around on his heels.

"Stop, wait! I have the arm hooked up to my computers. It's completely under your control. However, if you choose to...I don't know...attack me for putting a tracking device in your arm the arm might...Oh, I don't know, self destruct," Tony shrugged.

Bucky stared down Stark. He definitely should have seen that coming and should have killed him.

"If I go see Steve, you'll delete my arm from your computer?" Bucky asked.

"All except the tracking device, how's that?" Tony grinned.

"I don't have much of a choice, do I?"

"You really don't" Tony cocked his head to the side.

"That's okay, I'm used to not having a choice," Bucky spat before turning and heading to face Steve Rogers.

There was a light knock on Steve's door.

"It's unlocked!" Steve called. He was standing with his back to the door, facing a wall covered in pictures and maps. He was tracking Bucky.

Bucky entered the room, Steve didn't turn around, figuring it was Natasha.

"Hey I think maybe we should check those warehouses on 32nd street, what do you think, Tasha?" Steve asked as he studied his board.

"You could do that...or you could turn around," Bucky shrugged.

Steve's breath hitched in his throat as the familiar voice rang through his room.

"Bucky..." Steve turned and sighed in relief.

"Stark threatened to self destruct my arm if I didn't come say hi...hi," Bucky said coldly.

Steve stared in shock. Bucky looked rough. His hair hung in front of his face and his jeans were torn. He wore a black t-shirt and had a duffel bag slung around his back.

"Do you know who I am?" Steve asked.

Bucky stayed silent for a few moments.

"Yes," he answered.

"Do you know who Bucky Barnes is?" Steve followed up.

"Yes," he answered again.

Steve placed his hands on his hips and took in the information. Okay, so far so good.

"I don't know who we are though. I know the names, I know we were friends. I know we were in the war together and lived together before that, but...I don't remember what it felt like..." Bucky explained.

"That's okay, all that matters is you're okay and you remember that much. We can figure out the rest together. I've got some photo albums, maybe that will help?" Steve asked.

"Together?" Bucky raised his eyebrows.

"I've spent all this time trying to find you...I...I can't let you go now..." Steve stammered.

Bucky took a deep breath. He could trust Steve. And Steve trusted him. He doesn't remember the last time someone trusted him.

"Okay...together," Bucky nodded.

Steve opened the closet and took out a trunk with his old photo albums and sketchbooks in it. He took out a few albums and handed them to Bucky. Bucky sat down on the bed and began to look through them. Steve did his best to explain the pictures, but wanted Bucky to try and remember himself. It hurt to remember, but he had to try. This was all he had. Steve was the only thing that was good in his life at this point. They spent awhile going through the albums. Finally, Bucky had seen enough of it.

"There's an album missing," Bucky announced as he began to remember.

"What?" Steve asked.

"Where's the other album, the one you keep hidden. With the pictures you don't show anyone else," Bucky asked.

Steve smiled softly before going back to his closet and pulling out an all black photo album and handing it to Bucky. Inside were the pictures the world hadn't seen. Pictures Steve had taken of Bucky in bed, smiling like he owned the world. Selfies of them kissing. Picture's Steve had drew. The love letters they left for each other tucked neatly into the book.

"You must have really cared about me," Bucky whispered as he looked at each picture.

"I still do, Buck..." Steve admitted.

Bucky sighed and closed the album. He looked to Steve, who's face smiled softly. He remembered those lips, he remembered those eyes. He just couldn't remember how he felt about them. Bucky could tell there were words on Steve's lips that he wouldn't allow to escape.

"Whatever it is you want to say you might as well say it," Bucky finally said.

Steve looked down for a few seconds, a little embarrassed.

"I just...I just really missed you..." Steve finally sputtered out.

Bucky knew that's not what Steve wanted to say. He actually wished he could tell Steve he loved him. He could almost remember telling it to Steve before the war, but there was still fog in the way. It was a distant and faint memory he was trying so desperately to recover.

"I wish I could remember how much I love you..." Bucky whispered.

Steve couldn't find the words to answer.

Bucky agreed to sleep in Steve's bed that night, they had done it so many times before. Bucky hoped it would help him remember. He hoped if someone else was in the bed with him he wouldn't have the night terrors...it didn't help. He awoke screaming around 3AM. Steve immediately hopped up and tried to help Bucky. Steve was in a war too, he too suffered from PTSD.

"Bucky, it's okay. I'm here for you," Steve tried to console.

Bucky began speaking in Russian and Steve couldn't understand a thing.

"Jarvis, wake Natasha and have her come to my room right now!" Steve ordered.

Minutes later Natasha came running into the room.

"He's having a nightmare, what is he saying?!" Steve pleaded.

Natasha rushed to the bedside and tried to restrain Bucky. He turned to her and began speaking fluently in Russian, with tears and terror in his eyes.

"How can I help him? What is he saying?" Steve asked.

Natasha gasped and looked at Steve with a grim look in her eyes.

"You don't wanna know," Natasha whispered with horror in her voice.

Steve held Bucky close till he stopped babbling and slowed his breathing. Natasha sat with Steve and tried to speak to Bucky in Russian.

"You're home now, Bucky, you're safe," Steve whispered.

"I'm sorry," Bucky whispered back.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Bucky, you're not alone. I know what it's like to be brainwashed and forced to do things I didn't want to," Natasha said sternly.

Bucky looked to Natasha, he recognized her. From the Red Room. She was much younger then, and she worked for Hydra briefly. He had met her before.

"I know you," Bucky sat up and said.

"I know you too, you shot me," Natasha smirked.

"No...before that. Before I was ordered to kill you. You were in the Red Room..." Bucky said.

Natasha became quiet and pursed her lips. The Red Room had been something she had worked to escape for a very long time. She loathed those words...that place...

"Yes, Winter Soldier, we worked together when Hydra took me from The Red Room..." Natasha sighed.

"Nat...how come you never told me about this?" Steve asked.

Natasha looked away with tears in her eyes...

"Because I didn't want you to know the horrible things I've done..." She cried.

"Nat...you're good now. Whatever you've faced in your past doesn't matter now. Same goes for you Bucky, you guy's aren't bad people," Steve said sternly.

Natasha smiled and took Bucky's hand. Steve was right, they weren't bad people. Natasha decided she wanted to be an example for Bucky. She could show him that forgiveness was possible. They'd both done horrible things, if she could get through it so could he.

"Thank you," Bucky said honestly to Natasha.

She simply smiled, placed a soft kiss on his forehead, winked at Steve and left without a word. Bucky laid back down and snuggled up to Steve. They fell asleep in each others arms.

Bucky awoke the next morning alone. Steve was working out with Sam, Bucky had studied him for weeks. He knew Steve's schedule. Bucky looked down at his arm and sighed. He was stuck here, even if he left they would find him...

He decided to shower and try and find some breakfast. He wandered through Stark Tower, finding the kitchen. Natasha was sitting at a little round table in the kitchen sipping tea and eating fruit. She looked up from her mission files and smiled softly. Bucky liked the way she smiled, it was soft and nice. Natasha put off a tough girl vibe, but when she smiled at you- and you have to earn her smile- she showed her soft side.

"Good morning," She smiled.

Bucky just nodded and went to look in the cabinets. He found some cereal, poured it into a bowl and took a seat near Natasha.

"I'm sorry I tried to kill you...twice..." Bucky muttered.

"Don't worry about it, just don't do it again," She winked.

Clint then entered the kitchen next and groggily headed towards the coffee machine. He wore purple sweatpants and a shirt with a target symbol on it. His arms and nose were bandaged from previous battles...and also from falling down the stairs. He adjusted his hearing aids a bit before taking the biggest cup and pouring hot coffee into it. He shuffled over and sat down at the table. After a few sips of coffee he finally noticed Bucky sitting at the table with Natasha.

"Who's the sad trash hobo?" He looked to Natasha and asked.

"This is Bucky Barnes, He's a super soldier like Steve, he fought with him during the war," Natasha answered.

"He looks familiar," Clint muttered sleepily.

"I'm also The Winter Soldier," Bucky sighed.

"Oh yeah, okay, you're the one who shot Natasha," Clint remembered. Bucky gave him a scowl, "Nat's my best friend, she tells me everything. Don't worry, you're a war vet, no one's gunna mess with you."

"Thanks Clint," Natasha said sarcastically.

Bucky smirked and continued to eat his cereal. After about 15 minutes of listening to Clint tell the story of how he escaped ninja's the day before and how exhausting it was Steve and Sam entered the kitchen.

"Hey Buck, how you feelin?" Steve asked as he grabbed a water bottle from the fridge.

"You want an honest answer?" Bucky asked.

"I would prefer it," Steve shot back.

Bucky sighed, put his dishes in the sink and headed out of the kitchen. Steve followed close behind him.

"Where are you going?" Steve asked.

"I need a cigarette," Bucky muttered as he pulled a pack out of his jeans and made his way to the balcony.

Steve followed behind and watched him light his cigarette. His mind flashed back to when Bucky used to smoke on the balcony at their apartment in Brooklyn.

"You know, I was always so jealous that you could smoke cigarettes and I couldn't," Steve admitted.

Bucky laughed softly and opened his pack and handed a stick to Steve. Steve hesitated for a second and then took the cigarette from Bucky's hand. Bucky handed him a lighter and continued to smoke.

"These taste horrible," Steve commented after the first inhale.

"Yeah, I've been smoking the same thing since 1938 Stevie," Bucky smirked.

Steve stood with Bucky in silence and continued to smoke their cigarettes. There were so many things Steve wanted to talk about. Not even about the big things like cell phones and the future and what had happened in the past. He wanted to talk about the small things, like the movies coming out in the future. He wanted to talk about how expensive milk was or the outrageous price of gas. He wanted to talk about how the fashion of today and face this new world together.

"What do you wanna do today?" Steve finally asked.

Bucky simply shrugged.

"Come on, we can do anything you want," Steve encouraged.

Bucky smirked and put out his cigarette.

"I want you to make Stark take the self destruct button off my arm. You can keep the tracker, I know you don't trust me enough yet to take that off, but at least get the explosives out of my arm," Bucky requested.

Steve nodded and led them to the lab. AC/DC was blasting in the lab and Tony was covered in oil from working on one of his many expensive cars.

"Hey Capsicle, Winter Solstice, what can I do for you?" Tony asked with a shit eating grin.

"Take the explosives out of Bucky's arm...and the tracking device," Steve ordered.

Bucky looked at Steve in shock, the tracking device? What if after that Bucky ran away and never came back? Steve looked at Bucky and gave him a reassuring smile, yes, Steve Rogers trusted Bucky Barnes.

"Sure, if you trust him enough," Tony shrugged.

"There's never been a day where I haven't trusted him, Stark," Steve put his arm around Bucky.

"Alright, have a seat Solstice," Tony said as he grabbed some tools from a nearby cabinet.

Bucky took a seat and let Stark work on his arm. With Steve by his side, Bucky was able to even his breathing a lot easier than the last time.

Bucky and Steve took the afternoon to go out around the town. Steve was eager to have someone to explore this strange new world with. They started small, just walking around in time square.

"When I thawed out, Shield kept me in this room that resembled the 40's. They had on a baseball game we went to back in the day. Anyway, I knew something wasn't right so I ran out of the building and there I was, standing here in Time Square in the future..." Steve explained.

"That sounds horrible," Bucky answered.

"It was...pretty shocking actually," Steve admitted.

They stayed silent for a few minutes, just taking in the world.

"Every time they took me out of the cryogenic chamber, they'd put me in this room. They'd throw a file at me and give me two minutes to learn it. After the timer went off they took the file and quizzed me on every aspect of the mission. If I got an answer wrong they...well..." Bucky trailed off.

"Hey, it's okay...you don't have to talk about it you know," Steve tried his best to give a reassuring smile.

"No you know what, for the first time in my life I think I want to talk about it. Before I never had anyone to talk to...no one understood what I've been through. Having someone throw you into the future and expect you to go on dangerous missions without knowing what a cell phone is...its cruel," Bucky shook his head.

"Exactly! They don't even give me paper files anymore! They send them via email on my StarkPad and...I can barely turn it on!" Steve exclaimed.

"Do you have any idea how much a gallon of milk costs nowadays!?" Bucky added.

"I know! Do you have any idea how much milk I drink!?"

"Yes! I know exactly how much milk you drink!" Steve laughed.

Bucky smiled and laughed along as they walked down the road. After Time Square they headed to Central Park to people watch. Bucky was tense, but the more time he spent around Steve the safer he felt. Steve was cautious, knowing the tiniest thing could set Bucky into a fit. They sat on a bench and made small talk.

"That thing you did earlier...in Tony's lab...that was nice," Bucky sputtered out.

"I want you to trust me like I trust you. You won't be able to trust me if I keep explosives and tracking devices in your arm," Steve shrugged.

Bucky smiled and blushed a bit, it had been years since he blushed. He missed Steve, actually missed him. He missed the way they joked around together, he missed Steve's sarcasm, his laugh, the way his eyes light up when he looks at Bucky. He missed everything about him. It all flooded him at once, all the emotions he's ever felt for Steve. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down.

"Are you okay, Buck?" Steve asked after some silence and an uncomfortable look from Bucky's eyes.

"Yeah I just...sometimes I'll remember a lot of things at once. It all just hits me like a train..." Bucky fidgeted with his sleeves a bit and tried to take deep breaths.

Steve figured that was enough for one day and decided to take Bucky back to the tower. For the first time, Bucky was the fragile one. Sure, Steve had his own PTSD to deal with, but he couldn't begin to imagine what Bucky's nightmares must be like. Sometimes, Steve wished he and Bucky would have ran away from the war. It went against everything he believed in. However, when its 3am and he wakes up screaming Bucky's name; haunted over and over at losing his best friend, he wishes more than anything he would have just ran away.

Bucky spent the evening going through Steve photo albums and sketchbooks. Steve was on the internet looking up Jim Morrison, who Stark had insisted on him researching.

"He did a whole bunch of drugs and sang music," Steve concluded.

"No Steve, he's way more than that. He transcended his followers. He also wrote poetry and started out as a film student. Jim Morrison is a part of the 27 club," Bucky sat down the sketchbook.

"How do you know all about this guy?" Steve asked.

"Ask me anything about Pink Floyd, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Doors, Janice Joplin and Jimmi Hendrix," Bucky grinned.

"How do you know so much about music?" Steve inquired.

Bucky lowered his gaze back to the sketchbook and began to fidget with this sleeves once more. Steve noticed his uncomfortable posture at once and realized he had hit a trigger.

"I'm sorry, Bucky, I didn't know..." Steve began to say, but was cut off.

"It's okay, Stevie, It's just that...all those missions...I, um, well I wasn't allowed things, ya know? I didn't choose my food, my clothes, my thoughts, but Hydra never knew about what one of their agents did...to me...for me...it doesn't matter. There was an agent names Robert Granger and he was in charge of putting me back in the chamber. Agent Granger let me listen to music. First it was vynals and as the times progressed it became casset tapes, CD's, and eventually an Ipod."

Bucky stopped, squeezed his eyes shut and let out a sigh. He was feeling pain and Steve knew it. Steve also knew that Bucky _wanted_ to talk about it. He needed to. Steve let Bucky take a moment to gather his thoughts before he continued.

"Hydra didn't know. Hell, they probably still don't know. You have to know...I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of Steve..." Bucky stopped once more.

The image burned in his mind, like a picture set on fire.

"I did...favors...for Agent Granger in exchange for music. So like...a couple of songs cost a lot less than a full album, ya know what I'm saying?" Bucky explained.

Steve sat in silence for a few moments.

"What kind of favors? Like killing people?" Steve inquired.

Bucky snorted and ran his fingers through his hair, "I missed your innocence, Stevie, I really did."

Steve furrowed his brow and gave Bucky a quizzical look.

"God I wish it was killing people, I really fucking do..." Bucky sighed, "You know, I can kill anybody on sight. Give me a target and I'll put a bullet in their brain, no problem...I never did get used to Grangers dick in my mouth."

Steve's eyes went wide, "Jesus..." he breathed.

"That was just for five or six songs...and you know, you can't just listen to a few songs from Pink Floyd's The Wall...you gotta listen to the whole thing at once and well, that cost a little more than a blow job," Bucky elaborated.

Steve stayed silent for a few moments. The thought of Hydra using Bucky like that...it lit a fire in his soul. He wanted more than anything to take back what had happened to Bucky. To save him from the train. If he would've reached a little further...

"You look angry," Bucky commented after Steve's silence, "I didn't remember you then...if that's what you're angry about."

"You weren't just a weapon, you were their toy and that just...I...fuck," Steve was beside himself and at a loss for words.

It took a second for it to connect in Bucky's mind...Steve was mad because of the way Hydra treated him. Steve was mad because he cared about Bucky and he loved him. Love was something he hadn't felt in a very, very long time. Bucky closed the albums and sat them on the nightstand beside the bed. He then proceeded to scoot over near Steve and take his hand. He laced their fingers together and sighed.

"You saved me," Bucky tried to console his friend.

Bucky awoke from another nightmare around 3am once more that night. He thrashed and screamed as hot tears poured down his face. Steve, of course, held him down.

"Bucky, Bucky wake up its just a dream. I'm here, it's Steve, you're safe!" Steve pleaded as Bucky thrashed against Steve's grip.

"They're all dead!" Bucky cried out in anguish.

"James!" Steve growled.

Bucky's eyes snapped open. He looked at Steve's face and took a deep breath. Once he stopped struggling Steve released his arms.

"It's alright, you're safe," Steve soothed.

Bucky ran his hands down his face and sat up. He grabbed his cigarettes off the night stand and headed towards the door.

"Go back to sleep, I'll be okay," Bucky assured Steve before closing the door behind him.

Steve sighed and fell back onto the bed. He wouldn't be able to fall asleep, Bucky should really know that. Bucky made his way to the balcony. 3Am and NYC was still loud. Taxi's beeping, people bustling and lights flashing. That was something that was going to take getting used to. He took a seat, lit his cigarette and took a long drag.

"Can't sleep?" A voice came from behind him.

Clint Barton stood behind him with a plate of carrot cake in one hand and a giant fork in the other.

"Nightmares," Bucky sighed.

Clint continued forward and looked at the seat next to Bucky.

"Can I sit here?" He asked.

"It's a free country," Bucky shrugged.

Clint took a seat and took a big bite of his dessert. Bucky continued to smoke while Clint stuffed his face. After a few moments of silence before Bucky said something.

"Have you ever been brainwashed, Clint?" Bucky asked.

"Yes," Clint answered, "Were you...awake? For the battle of New York?"

Bucky nodded, "Loki, right? Thor's brother. Hydra was up in arms about it."

"He's got this um...glow stick of destiny and when he pokes you in the chest with it, you become his personal flying monkey," Clint explained.

Bucky threw his cigarette over the balcony and sighed.

"What do you do? To deal with it, I mean?" Bucky asked.

Clint smiled and stood from his chair.

"Honestly, I smoke a shit ton of weed," Clint answered before heading back into the house.

Steve, Natasha, Clint and Bucky all sat around the table the next morning for breakfast. Clint had given up on coffee cups and taken to drinking straight out of the pot. Natasha was cleaning her gun at the table, which Steve had often scolded the team about. No weapons at the table was a strict rule nobody ever followed.

"Why don't I get any french toast?" Tony asked as he strolled in to get his fifth cup of coffee for the morning.

"You have to be an assassin," Clint answered.

"But Steve isn't an assassin," Tony commented.

"Leave me alone, I'm a senior citizen," Steve mumbled as he took a big bite of french toast.

"You can't keep using that as an excuse for everything, Steve," Tony said.

Steve stood to collect his and Bucky's empty plates from the table.

"Do you need your walker?" Bucky joked.

Tony laughed and took a seat at the table with the team.

"I'll tell you, Buck, these young whippersnappers have no respect for their elders," Steve said as he filled Bucky and his plate with more french toast.

Natasha and Clint smirked and rolled their eyes.

"You know, back in our day, we had to walk uphill both ways to the battles with villains. We didn't have all those fancy fly suits like you have Stark," Bucky added.

"In a blizzard," Steve added.

"Barefoot."

"No GPS"

"And we were grateful!"

Natasha and Clint were giggling at the two soldier going back and forth.

"Is this going to be my life now? Old man jokes from two guys who are in better shape than I am?" Tony asked.

Bucky winked at Steve and took another bite of french toast. The team finished up their breakfast and went their separate ways. Clint headed with Natasha to Shield to get bitched at for not reporting the Winter Soldier. Tony headed to the lab to work on some secret project that would revolutionize the new world to premier at the expo next month.

Steve and Bucky spent the morning working out together. It was strange for Bucky to exercise with Steve. He didn't have to worry about Steve doubling over from an asthma attack. They spent the afternoon and evening catching up on Disney Movies. Mulan, Aladdin, Hercules, The Lion King and all the other great movies Disney had given the world was right before their eyes.

"Mulan is my favorite," Steve commented.

"Of course it is," Bucky rolled his eyes.

"Why do you say that?" Steve inquired.

"You have a thing for strong women," Bucky rolled his eyes.

Steve had never taken notice of it before, but it was true. He had a thing for Peggy Carter at one time and he had even taken a liking to Natasha for a hot minute. However, whenever he looked at Bucky his heart fluttered. They had so much history together and no dame could ever come close to what the two men shared.

"Dames are okay, but you're the one who always kept me warm in the winter," Steve smiled as he leaned over and pressed a kiss to Bucky's cheek.

Bucky's breath hitched in his throat as he turned and looked at Steve in shock. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy the affection, it was more that he hadn't had it in so long. He'd almost forgotten what Steve felt like.

"Oops..." Steve pulled back and cleared this throat.

"It's okay...I just...I forgot...what that felt like," Bucky tried to explain.

Steve smiled and blushed a bit before taking Bucky's hand into his own and continuing with the movies.

Bucky usually awoke from nightmares around 3am. Steve's night terror schedule is a little different. He doesn't get them every night, like Bucky, but he does get them. His rotates once or twice a week around 2am. Bucky was shocked to hear Steve. At first he was just tossing a bit, more than usual.

"Steve, chill out," Bucky grumbled half asleep at first.

"Don't let them in," Steve groaned.

His muscles contracted and he sounded as if he was in pain.

"Are you alright?" Bucky finally sat up a bit.

"Open fire," Steve began to ramble, "Bucky get back, take cover,"

"Steve, wake up, you're having a nightmare," Bucky tried to shake Steve awake.

Steve's eyes squeezed shut and a scream erupted from his throat. Bucky's eyes went wide and he tried to shake Steve awake.

"Get to the bunker!" Steve screamed as he eyes snapped open and his chest heaved.

He launched forward and looked around with fear. It took him a few seconds to realize where he was and who he was with. He turned and saw Bucky's concerned expression.

"Stevie, it's okay. The war's over, we won," Bucky tried to soothe.

Steve frantically searched the room and ran his fingers through his hair. He was in a zoned sort of state, not fully understanding where he was yet.

"Did we really?" He asked in his trance.

"Yeah, pal, Hitler's dead. The camps were freed, and the boys went home," Bucky explained.

"Not all of them..." Steve shook his head.

Bucky swallowed hard. He'd lost good men in the war and often times questioned if the fighting was even worth it.

"We made it home, though," Bucky added.

"Then why does it feel like I'm still there?" Steve asked with tears in his eyes.

His voice broke and he held back tears. Bucky let out a sigh and took Steve into his arms. He wasn't sure how to handle the situation, he couldn't handle his own PTSD and now Steve was crumbling from his own.

"We could still go, you know," Bucky whispered.

"Where?" Steve whispered back.

"California. We'll take the road trip we talked about. I can learn to surf, you can paint the sunset. We can hit all the big stops on the way and if you want, we don't have to come back," Bucky said.

Steve clung a little tighter to Bucky that night. Steve never dealt with the war and Bucky- fresh out of brainwashing- was about to start dealing with his own demons. Maybe this was what they both needed. A trip away from the city, just the two of them. To rebuild themselves. They weren't exactly Steve and Bucky anymore, someone else came out of that trauma and they weren't sure who it was. But they knew they would find out together. All those years ago Bucky had hoped and prayed they would get that trip together. They would survive the war and come home together. They would disappear to the west coast. And more than anything Bucky prayed they wouldn't have to return. Now, 70 years later, Steve was praying for the same thing.

The boys awoke the next morning next to each other. Bucky rolled over so he was facing Steve.

"Morning," Bucky said softly.

"Morning," Steve answered back.

"What do you wanna do today?" Bucky asked.

Steve smiled and stretched out a bit before answering, "I want to go to California."

Bucky smiled, a real genuine smile. It was finally happening, he was going to California with his best friend. They spent the morning packing their belongings, it then occurred to Steve that Bucky didn't have any belongings.

"Do you want to go clothes shopping before we leave?" Steve asked.

"No, I'm going to build a new wardrobe along the way. It'll be fun," Bucky smirked.

Steve let Bucky make breakfast while he went to speak to Tony, who was surprisingly not in the lab. He had finally crashed after going almost 4 days straight without sleep.

"Tony, I need a favor and it's kind of a big one," Steve proceeded.

"Steve if you let me go back to sleep you can have whatever you want," Tony grumbled.

"I need to borrow a car for...an extended period of time. I'm not sure how long, but..." Steve began to explain.

"Whoa, Steve, what's this all about," Tony finally sat up and rubbed his sleepy eyes.

Steve sighed and cleared his throat. How does he explain this? How does he explain that his best friend and him are going on a road trip and possibly won't come back?

"Bucky and I need some time..." Steve began to explain, but ended up sighing, "I'm tired of the nightmares, Tony...and Bucky can't handle his. I know I'm supposed to be the great Captain America and I represent strength and honor and..." Steve trailed off, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Someone else came out of the ice and I'm not sure who it is. I just need some time to figure it out."

Tony had never seen Steve vulnerable before. It was shocking to say the least, but he understood.

"Take whatever car you like, however if you're going on a soul searching road trip I would recommend the Expedition. Lay down the seats in the back and put a mattress pad in there with some pillows and blankets. You can fit everything in that thing. Take one of the coolers from the lab and fill it with food and drinks. Um...do you need money? I've got plenty of it. You know what, I'll just transfer some to your account," Tony jumped up and began pulling up bank accounts.

"Tony, you should know something...um...we...we might not come back. And if we do...I don't know if we're going to be the same," Steve said hesitantly.

Tony stopped and turned to Steve.

"They really should have known, when they thawed you out that you...I mean they just suited you up and threw you back out into battle...it wasn't fair. And you know Steve, there's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough," Tony said.

Steve smiled a bit, took three big strides and took Tony into a hug.

"Thanks for everything, Tony," Steve said.

Next was Natasha and Clint. After Steve and Bucky got the car loaded up, they turned to their friends. Steve stepped towards Natasha and sighed.

"Call if you have any trouble and...just...you're nightmares don't define you, Steve, but you're going to have to figure that out for yourself," Natasha smiled before Steve took her into a hug.

"Spirit walk, huh? Here, I rolled these for you in case you guys needed a little wake and bake or something," Clint said to Bucky before handing him a bag with 4 blunts in it.

"Thanks, I'll just...hide these from Steve," Bucky grinned as he tucked them under the mattress pad.

Natasha then moved to Bucky to say her farewells. She had known him in her past life, but hadn't gotten time to get to know the real Bucky Barnes.

"You mean a lot to Steve and I hope he can mean just as much again to you," Natasha smiled.

"Thank you, Natalia," Bucky smiled back before taking her into a hug.

The boys took their seats in the Expedition. Steve was driving and Bucky curled up into the passenger seat. Jarvis rang through the car, announcing Stark had programmed him with a GPS that would take them to all the best stops on the way to California.

They got a few hours down the road before Bucky got bored.

"Stevie, I'm bored," Bucky groaned.

Steve smiled and looked over to Bucky who had his feet up on the dash and his seat leaned back.

"Tell me a story," Bucky whined.

"What kind of a story?" Steve asked.

"A true one, tell me one about us and I'll see if I remember it," Bucky proposed.

Steve thought for a few moments. He went through memories in his mind, he didn't want to bring up the war. Especially not after the nightmare he'd had the night before. Maybe a memory before the war would be best...

"Okay, I got one..." Steve finally decided, "The year was 1938 and you had just started smoking..."

"Oh great..." Bucky rolled his eyes.

" _Anyway_ ," Steve scolded, "My mom was working a double at the TB ward and I was sick with bronchitis...again...

 _A knock came to Steve's door around 6 that evening. Steve stood from the couch where he was laying and opened the front door. Bucky stood there with a grin on his face that soon faded when he saw how pale his friend was._

 _"Jeeze kid, you look like hell," Bucky stepped into the apartment and closed the door behind him, "And it's freezing in here."_

 _"We can't afford to keep the heat on all the time," Steve shrugged as he went and plopped back down on the couch._

 _"You hungry?" Bucky asked, "You look like you haven't eaten today."_

 _Steve shrugged and began to cough. Bucky winced at the sound of flem spinning in Steve's chest. Bucky stood and headed to the kitchen, there was a pot on the stove and a note from Steve's mom. 'I know he'll forget to eat, just heat and serve. Love you boys, Sarah.'_

 _Bucky sighed, lit the stove and turned his attention back to Steve. He watched his friend pull the covers up around him as he shivered. Sketchbooks were sprawled on the floor surrounding the couch next to his breathing machine._

 _"When was the last time you did a breathing treatment today?" Bucky asked as he started to clean up around Steve's couch._

 _"Buck, you're here to keep me company, not take care of me," Steve sighed._

 _Bucky scowled at him as he continued to gather various sketches and pencils from the floor. Bucky stopped and noticed one of Steve's sketches that was a little unusual than the rest. It was of Bucky, it looked like he had just gotten out of the shower. He had a towel in one hand and he was drying his hair and the rest was of home completely nude._

 _"Steve..." Bucky went to ask but then noticed Steve had fallen asleep._

 _He put the picture at the bottom of the pile and headed back to the soup. Once it was hot enough he poured some in a big bowl and handed it to Steve. He sighed and tried his best to eat. Bucky watched and checked his watch._

 _"You're gunna need to do a breathing treatment after this, your mom put your schedule on the fridge, you were supposed to do one at 6," Bucky commented before grabbing the breathing machine and setting it up._

 _"It makes me shaky and cold...I don't need it right now, I'm fine," Steve protested._

 _Bucky sighed, "Stop being a baby."_

 _Steve finished half his soup before he sat it on the stand beside the couch and grumbled before finally agreeing to do his breathing treatment. After Bucky turned up the radio and sat while Steve attempted to sketch a bit._

 _"Pose for me, would ya?" Steve asked._

 _Bucky's cheeks flushed, he had remembered the sketch from earlier. A devious grin spread across his face._

 _"How do you want me, Stevie?" Bucky purred._

 _Steve looked up and cleared his throat._

 _"Um...one knee up and the other one down on the floor, but face me. Cock your head to the side, you know, the way you do when you get kind of sassy," Steve ordered._

 _Bucky did as told and licked his lips before asking, "And do you want my clothes on or off for this one?"_

 _Steve's hand stopped and he looked up with wide eyes. He didn't respond to Bucky's flirtatious nature._

 _"I found one of your more...risque sketches of me," Bucky informed._

 _Steve's pale sickly face instantly turned bright red. He lowered his head and coughed a bit._

 _"It's okay, Stevie, you can draw me naked if you want," Bucky grinned._

 _Steve stayed silent for a few moments in thought._

 _"You know Buck I think...I think you'd look better sprawled out on the bed instead of the couch," Steve smirked._

"You um...sprawled yourself out for me and I sketched you. It didn't turn out very good because I was so shaky from the breathing treatment," Steve recalled, "Do you remember that?"

Bucky smiled.

"Yeah, now that you mention it I do remember. Because it was so cold in that apartment and I was freezing. You spent 2 hours sketching me and I remember your face scrunched up when you were finished and you hated how it looked. For the record, I thought it looked amazing," Bucky smiled in remembrance, "Oh yeah and I remember that night too, you were freezing and I couldn't leave you cold like that so I stayed the night."

"Yeah, you held me in your arms all night and kept me warm," Steve smiled back.

The two fell silent and thought back on that night they spent together. Steve was so grateful he had Bucky back with him again. This trip was going to be good for them.

"So...you're gunna draw me naked again, right? Now that you have a more steady hand," Bucky purred.

Steve chuckled a bit and looked over to Bucky who had a mischievous twinkle in his eye. Those were the same eyes Steve remembered from so long ago. From before the war.

"I really missed you, Buck," Steve said.

"Yeah well...Till the end of the line pal, you're stuck with me till we die now," Bucky joked.

"Hopefully that doesn't happen again," Steve joked back.

Bucky smiled and then became very silent.

"Do you really think this trip is going to change things?" Bucky asked quietly.

"I don't know, Buck, but I'll tell you one thing; if we go back, we're not going back until...until we can both go a full week without nightmares, how about that?"

"We're never gunna make it back," Bucky looked out the window.

The boy's first stop was supposed to be Gettysburg, PA. But they both decided they didn't want to involve anything military in their trip. So instead, they took a trip to Kentucky to visit Mammoth Cave National Park. Bucky always loved the outdoors, but Steve was often too sick or allergic to everything before to experience it. They stopped a few times to get gas and food along the way. From NYC to Mammoth Cave it was 13 and a half hours. They took turns driving and made it about 3 hours from the cave around midnight. They had stopped a lot and Bucky wanted to stop and get some clothes at an outlet mall, so it took a little more than 13 hours to get there.

"Should we get a hotel or crash in the car?" Bucky asked.

"What do you wanna do?" Steve asked.

Bucky smiled, "You always ask me, It's nice to have a choice again."

They decided to crash in the car for the night. They pulled over at a rest stop and snuggled up in the back of the car.

"Stark was right about this car, it's really roomy," Steve commented.

"Mmhmm," Bucky agreed as he drifted off to sleep.

Having a nightmare in a car isn't like having a nightmare in a bed or in a bunker. There's a lot less room to thrash and the screams seem to intensify. Steve covered Bucky's mouth and tried to wake him up.

"Bucky wake up, you're in the car," Steve tried to soothe.

It was around 3am and they had only been asleep for a few hours before his night terror's started. Bucky's eyes flashed open and he pried Steve's hand off his mouth. He began to spout things off in Russian again. Steve felt so helpless, not knowing what he was saying.

"Jarvis, translate for me," Steve ordered.

 _"He is saying, don't put me back in the chamber...begging for your life won't make a fucking difference..."_ Jarvis translated.

Steve's heart broke.

"Baby, calm down. It's just you and me now. It's just you and me," Steve whispered as he pulled Bucky into his arms.

Bucky's ramblings slowed as he realized what was happening. He clung to Steve and took deep breaths.

"They're never going to stop, are they?" Bucky asked as he nuzzled himself close to Steve's chest.

"I don't know, Buck, but I'll always be here to wake you up," Steve whispered back.

The boys fell back asleep till around 9am. They got back on the road towards the cave. Bucky had a cup of coffee and 2 Mcgriddles while Steve had a large Orange juice and 2 egg Mcmuffins from McDonalds. Steve had taken on driving since Bucky had a rough night.

"You wanna talk about it?" Steve asked as they got about an hour down the road.

"No," Bucky answered sternly.

Steve sighed and took a sip of his OJ. The whole point of this trip was to connect with each other again and face their demons together. He wanted Bucky to be able to open up to him like before.

"You know, you used to tell me when you were scared," Steve said.

Bucky sipped his coffee and kept silent. Steve gripped the steering wheel a little tighter and watched a Bucky stared out the window at the morning sun. They weren't just going to drive across the U.S and remain silent. He didn't want to press Bucky too much though, he knew how fragile he really was. Steve took a deep breath, maybe Bucky would be able to open up if Steve did first.

"Um...well if you don't want to talk about your nightmare, would it be okay if I talked about mine?" Steve asked cautiously.

"Oh...um yeah Stevie, go ahead. I'm all ears," Bucky agreed.

He wasn't expecting Steve to say something like that...it usually took Bucky a lot of coercing to get Steve to open up about something before. Maybe Steve has changed since he died all those years ago. He wasn't lying when he said someone else came out of the ice. Bucky reached over and took Steve's hand that was resting on the center console of the car. He squeezed it and gave him a reassuring nod. Steve took a deep breath before continuing.

"We were out on patrol. You, me and the commando's. Um...a Nazi brigade started up the left side so we took cover in a run down barn to our right. They stormed the barn, I ordered to open fire and you went charging in right after me. Then everything changed, it started to sort of flow in slow motion. I saw Red Skull and the doctor...they were there or you. I kept trying to get you to run but you wouldn't leave me. It was weird, I knew what they were going to do to you. It's like I had traveled back in time or something and I knew the future, but you wouldn't listen.

"Then everything sort of changed. The barn was gone and there were at least 3 troops storming us. Just wave after wave of Nazi's and Hydra and...I just saw everyone dying. Our men. Peggy. Howard. I was the last one standing on the battlefield and I just..." Steve stopped and took a deep breath, "I was alone. And I felt alone. I felt exactly how I felt when I found out I was in the future."

Bucky sat quietly and listened. Steve hadn't really opened up about the war to anyone except Sam, who understood a little, but couldn't connect on the level Bucky could because Bucky was there. He'd seen the horrors Red Skull had done. He'd seen the horrors Hitler had done. Bucky and Steve couldn't shake those concentration camps from their mind. They weren't even there on a mission, they were just passing through. But when they saw what was happening there, well, they couldn't just keep marching.

"You know, we keep telling each other that we're not there anymore and that the war is over but...that doesn't really make a difference, does it?" Bucky commented.

Steve sighed and squeezed Bucky's hand a little tighter.

"I guess we should stop saying that to each other," Steve breathed.

That was the start of something. They cast aside the cliché comforts they were so used to hearing and decided to think of something that might actually help each other. They were going to get better, even if it took the rest of their lives.

When the boys got to Mammoth Cave Bucky was actually excited. He hopped out of the car and stretched out his legs and arms. Steve grabbed his camera from the center console and smiled.

"Come on Stevie!" Bucky called.

They got into the next group and followed the tour guide into the cave. Bucky was excited, but didn't exactly think it through. He didn't realize being in a confined space would trigger his PTSD. Steve was busy snapping photo's while Bucky was coming apart. The cool air raised goosebumps on his skin. He scooted closer to Steve.

"I need out," Bucky grabbed Steve's arm and whispered sternly.

Steve slowly lowered his camera and looked around the cave. He had been so busy taking pictures he hadn't noticed which way was out. The group had stopped to take a look around the cave while the tour guide explained stalagmites.

"Do you remember which way the exit is?" Steve asked calmly as he turned his full attention to his best friend.

"Yeah, that way. Three rights and a left," Bucky rattled off.

"Okay, let's go. Deep breaths. It's okay. These are just civilians you know, there's no one here to hurt you," Steve soothed.

"It's not the people it's the confined space, I just...I need to get out in the open," Bucky said as he hurried with Steve towards the exit.

A few moments later a hand grabbed Steve's arm.

"Excuse me, we ask that no one goes off on their own for safety reasons," The tour guide caught up with them and explained.

"We're just trying to get to the exit..." Steve began to explain.

"Well just sit tight and let me radio someone to come and escort you guys out," The tour guide offered.

Steve gave Bucky a look to gauge his reaction to staying in the cave a little longer.

He squeezed Bucky's shoulder, winked and pulled the tour guide off to the side.

"Look, he's a veteran and the confined space is making him a little itchy. I'm sure we can handle getting out," Steve tried to compromise.

"I'm really sorry, man, but I can't let you guys go unescorted. I can get someone down here as fast as possible, it'll only take a few minutes," The tour guide replied.

"Hurry," Steve ordered as he turned his attention back to Bucky.

"I fought in a goddamn war, Steve..." Bucky began to ramble.

"I know, I know, which means you can handle standing in this spot with me for a few minutes."

Bucky sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He could feel his chest constricting and the air growing thin. His muscles began contracting and his right hand started to tremble. He focused on Steve. His blonde hair and blue eyes. The way his shirt clung to his skin. He studied him like an artifact, trying to distract himself. The pounding of his heart echoed in his ears, too loud. He couldn't hear anything except his heart after a few seconds and he knew he couldn't wait any longer.

Bucky pulled away from Steve and started to head towards the exit himself.

"Bucky, wait!" Steve raced after him.

"I will snap the necks of every single fucking person in here if I don't get out of here, NOW." Bucky growled.

Steve furrowed his brow and turned back to the tour guide who was speaking into his radio. This wasn't going to be good...

"Bucky, there's going to be rangers coming after you if you don't calm down," Steve cautioned.

Bucky just began to laugh and continue on his way towards the exit.

"Steve's I'm a specially trained assassin and a U.S soldier, I think I can handle some park rangers," Bucky rolled his eyes.

"Sirs, you are not allowed to roam the cave without an escort!" A woman shouted.

She had a radio in her hand and a stern look on her face.

"Fuck off, girl scout," Bucky grumbled as he shoved his way past the girl.

Steve feverishly apologized as he scooted past her and raced after Bucky. Once they got outside the cave Bucky began to hyperventilate. Steve raced to his side and tried to get him walking towards the car. People were staring and it wasn't a good look for either of them.

"Bucky, calm down. Let's just get to the car and get out of here," Steve said as he practically carried Bucky towards the Expedition.

As soon as the made it back to the car, Steve pushed Bucky up against the side.

"Breathe, Bucky, it's okay. Everything is okay," Steve tried to persuade.

Bucky's wild eyes began to calm down and his breaths started to slow after a few minutes of Steve's encouragements. Bucky let himself slide to the ground and he held his head in his hands. Steve took a seat next to him and wrapped one arm around his friends shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I ruined that for us, didn't I?" Bucky sighed.

"No, Buck, don't start with all that. That's what this trip is about, alright. This isn't going to be perfect, we have a lot of things to work on," Steve said sternly.

Buck took a deep breath and looked over to Steve who had a soft smile on his face.

"I wouldn't be able to do this without you," Bucky said.

"Till the end of the line, pal," Steve winked.

"Excuse me, I'm going to have to ask you two to leave the park," The cave lady from before ordered.

Steve and Bucky looked up to see her standing above them with her hands on her hips and a stern expression. Steve stood to try and take care of the issue.

"I'm sorry to cause all this trouble Ma'am..." Steve began to apologize but was cut off.

"Leave, now!" She ordered.

Bucky stood and took a step towards her, Steve held out his arm and shoved Bucky back.

"Get in the car," He ordered.

"No, I didn't fight in a goddamn war and go through 70 years of brainwashing to have some bitchy girl scout treat me like this," Bucky raised his voice.

"If you don't leave now I will be forced to call the authorities," the woman threatened.

"Is that supposed to scare me?" Bucky chuckled.

"Car. Now!" Steve commanded.

Bucky shut his mouth and stomped towards the car. He practically ripped the door off his hinges as he got into the Expedition. Steve turned to the woman,

"You know, I would think as someone who works for the government, you'd be a little more respectful to veterans. He may not be the nicest person on the planet when his PTSD kicks in, but he did fight for your freedom," Steve said as he walked around to his side of the car and opened the door.

"I wasn't aware he was a veteran," She retaliated.

"Where'd you think I got this arm, sweetheart? They don't sell these at Wal-Mart," Bucky called as he rolled down his window.

Steve smirked as he turned on the car and backed out of his parking space. The two exited the cave entrance and looked at each other.

"You know, there's other things around the area we can do today. Why don't we figure out something and, since we're down here, we can camp out in the woods tonight in the park," Steve suggested.

"Okay yeah, sounds swell, Stevie," Bucky smiled.

The boys had Jarvis look up the local attractions and they decided on horseback riding. They got on the trail and spent the afternoon riding. Steve had never ridden a horse before, never found the time. Bucky, however, had during his time as the Winter Soldier. It was just the two of them on the trail they had chosen, just how they liked it. For dinner, Steve had Bucky choose where to eat. Steve noticed the happiness and relief it gave Bucky to be able to make decisions for himself and Steve wasn't picky. He knew even though it was just choosing dinner, Bucky appreciated the freedom. He'd gone so long without having a choice and Steve knew that. He wanted to give Bucky the world he'd never had and all Bucky wanted to do was have that world with Steve by his side.

"So, tonight, we're camping out in the park, right?" Bucky asked.

"Whatever you want, Buck," Steve answered.

Bucky smiled and took a bite of his burger.

"You know, this trip is for you too," Bucky began to say, "Now I'm gunna ask again, are you sure you want to stay in the park tonight?"

"Yes, Buck, I wanna camp out tonight. Tomorrow though, we're getting a hotel," Steve answered.

Bucky smiled and nodded. The boys finished up their dinner and headed back to the car. The two boys chose a camp site away from most of the civilians. Bucky opened the trunk of the Expedition, pulled a Coke out of the cooler and took a seat on the back end. Steve grabbed his camera and began to get some pictures.

"I want to go on a hike around the area, not too far, but just to get some pictures. Do you want to come with me or stay near the car?" Steve turned to his friend and asked.

"Actually, I think I'll hang out here. I can get a fire going or something," Bucky declined.

Steve nodded and began to head off into the woods. Once he was out of ear shot, Bucky turned to Jarvis.

"Jarvis, how exactly did Steve die in the war?"

Steve returned around an hour later to a fuming Bucky Barnes.

"You crashed the goddamn plane into the fucking ocean!?" Bucky boomed.

Steve's face turned pale and he swallowed hard. Well...he knew this day was coming.

"Did you even try to land it!?" Bucky questioned.

"There was no time..."

"You could have turned the plane around, dumbass!? Seriously, I'm dead for a few days and you go off and do something incredibly stupid!"

"Well..." Steve stammered, "To be fair, you're like 85% of my impulse control..."

Bucky gridded his teeth and crossed his arms. He raised his eyebrows and waited for a real explanation. Steve placed his camera in the car and took a seat on the back end of the car. Bucky walked over and stood directly in front of Steve. He was gone a few days...a few goddamn days and Steve goes and kills himself.

"You didn't even try to turn it around. You...I mean what the hell were you thinking, Steve!?" Bucky asked, beside himself and completely confounded on how Steve could be so stupid.

"What was your last thought, right before you hit the ground?" Steve suddenly asked.

Bucky clenched his jaw. He studied Steve's face, there was something haunting him. He could see it in his eyes and the way his shoulders slumped. Steve wouldn't make eye contact with him and Steve Rogers always looks you in the eye when he talks to you. Bucky finally gave in, he would always give in when it came to Steve.

"I thought, thank God it's me and not you," Bucky admitted.

"You wanna know what I thought?" Steve finally looked up. Bucky stared and waited for a response. "I thought, I'd hate to keep you waiting..."

They both fell silent and stared at each other for a few moments. Not sure of what to say, Bucky had no idea. He hadn't realized...Steve had basically committed suicide. Bucky grabbed Steve up from the car and into a hug.

"Promise me you won't do something like that ever again," Bucky whispered.

"I lost you once, Buck...I'm going to be honest...I know for a fact I won't be able to handle losing you again..." Steve replied as he pulled away.

"That's not the answer I wanted," Bucky snorted.

"Well that's the answer you're getting."

Bucky shook his head and walked over towards some of the nearby brush. He started tossing it into a pile. Steve watched as Bucky moved with rigid precision. He doesn't move like he used to...so smooth and with a gleaming swagger. Now it's so military and foreign. His hips don't sway like they used to and his eyes are harder. Colder. Steve takes a deep breath and watched carefully. This isn't the Bucky he remembers and it hurts. It breaks his heart what Hydra has done to his friend.

Steve doesn't realize that Bucky seeing him the way he is now does the same thing to him. Bucky doesn't see the Steve he remembers. He remembers the little 96 pound kid from Brooklyn. He didn't get to spend much time with the super soldier and the time they did spend together was in battle. Bucky doesn't have as many memories with Captain America as he does with Steve. So to see Steve like this, so jacked up and muscular, it's foreign. He told Steve to stay home. He told him to stay away from the army. He didn't listen and here they are, 75 years later broken and riddled with PTSD.

As soon as he had enough wood, Bucky took his lighter and lit some kindling's to start a fire. He was swift with his movements and didn't fumble. A perfect machine, they had made him. But that wasn't exactly true, Bucky always had skills. They just enhanced them. How did they hollow out the man, but leave the skill? Bucky took a seat near the fire once he got it going well enough. Steve stayed seated near the car, afraid to approach.

"You ain't gotta sit there moping, come over to the fire," Bucky finally called to Steve.

He sighed and took a seat next to Bucky by the fire.

"I love you," Steve spoke suddenly.

Bucky turned in shock to look at Steve's face. He wasn't sure what to say, considering he could barely understand his feelings.

"You don't have to say it back, I know you're working thought stuff but...I just thought you should know."

Bucky smiled, "There wasn't a doubt in my mind, Stevie. I know you do. I'm sure I love you too...it's just hard right now, to understand things."

"That's okay," Steve answered.

Bucky loved when Steve said that. When he said it was okay. Okay for him to not understand his feelings. Okay for him to have nightmares. Okay for him to not know who he is anymore. Okay that he needs some time to figure it out. It's okay.

"Can you tell me another story? About us before the war," Bucky asked.

"Of course, Buck, I've got a million of them," Steve smiled as he nudged his friend lightly with his shoulder.

 _It was November, 1931 and Frankenstein had just been released in theaters. Steve was 13 and Bucky was 14. The boys wanted nothing more than the see the new horror movie. They had gotten hooked on them since they had seen Dracula earlier that June. The young boys had gotten away with a lot more during the summertime, but once the colder months set in Steve's mom didn't want him going out too much. He often spent the winter months bed ridden and sick, but Bucky was determined to get Steve to that theater with him to see Frankenstein._

 _Steve wasn't too sick, just a stuffy nose and that's actually pretty good for him in November. So, Bucky decided to pay Sarah Rogers a visit at the hospital. She was making her rounds when Bucky showed up at the nurses station on her floor of the hospital. The fellow nurses doted on the young teenager, giving him candies and stickers from their supplies. When Sarah saw Bucky there her eyes went wide and she rushed over to him._

 _"James, what are you doing here? What's wrong with Stevie, is he okay? Did you check him in?" Mrs. Rogers began to panic._

 _"Calm down, Mrs. Rogers, Steve is fine. He's at home in bed, I actually came to talk to you about something," Bucky soothed._

 _Sarah pulled Bucky away from the earshot of the other nurses._

 _"Is your father back on the bottle again? You can bring your mom and sisters over and we can..." Sarah began to whisper to him._

 _Bucky's father had a serious drinking problem and things could get pretty rough at home for him._

 _"No, no it's nothing like that. They've been working him overtime at the factory so he hasn't had time to hit the bottle. I actually came to ask you a favor...Look, I know it's colder out now and you don't like Steve going out in the night air too much, but this new movie we've been dying to see came out this week and I'd sure be swell if you let him go with me to see it," Bucky began to ask._

 _Sarah sighed, crossed her arms and pursed her lips. This wasn't going too well..._

 _"I've got his extra puffer on me all the time and it would just be one night. I promise I'll look after him. I won't let anything bad happen, honest," Bucky pleaded._

 _"I don't know, James, he's already got a stuffy nose and he's had to do two breathing treatments this week already..." Sarah answered._

 _"I'll keep him out of trouble, no fights or nothing, I promise. I'll make sure he bundles up and I'll stay by his side the whole time, you won't have to worry about a thing, Mrs. Rogers, he'll be under my protection. You know I always take good care of him," Bucky continued to beg._

 _Sarah looked down at Bucky's pleading face and puppy dog eyes. She contemplated for a few moments, thinking it over._

 _"Alright, you two can go. But it's straight to the movie and then come right back home, understand? I don't want him out in that night air for too long and I certainly don't want you two out on the streets that late. Steve's good at finding fights in the middle of the day, I can only imagine what would happen if he was running the streets at night. And you watch over him, James. I don't want him out of your sight for a moment," She finally agreed._

 _A grand smile spread across Bucky's face. He hugged and thanked her for letting them go. After he left, he went straight to Steve's house to let him know the good news. The two boys decided to see the movie on Friday night, a mere 2 days from the time Bucky asked. And when the time came, Bucky kept true to his word._

 _"You gotta wear the scarf, Steve, your mom'll kill me if you get sick," Bucky commanded as he buttoned up his coat._

 _"Buck, I'll be fine. You're making a big fuss over nothing," Steve rolled his eyes as he reluctantly wrapped the scarf around his face._

 _"Hey, I basically had to get on my knees and beg to your mom in front of God and all the other hospital staff to get her to let me take you out tonight. So you're gunna do as I say, alright pal? I'm just looking out for you," Bucky said, "And zip up your coat, ya dunce, this is why you're sick all the time."_

 _Steve sighed and his frail hands fumbled with the zipper. Bucky watched as he tried to get the zipper loose from being caught on the fabric of his coat. Finally, after a few excruciatingly painful seconds of watching Steve fiddle with the coat, Bucky stepped in. He pushed Steve's hands away and zipped up the coat in one easy motion._

 _"I swear, kid, I'm gunna be taking care of you for the rest of my life," Bucky shook his head._

 _"I don't need you to take care of me," Steve grumbled._

 _"Yeah right, you can't even leave your house without me. Now come on, we're gunna be late if we don't leave now," Bucky smirked before pulling Steve out the door with him._

 _It was a brisk night in Brooklyn and the boys made their way down the city streets to the movie theater. Steve rarely got to see the city at night this time of year, so it was a special treat for him. The light snow they had glistened under the street lights. And although it was cold as all heck, Steve couldn't help but feel warm next to Bucky. His best pal in the whole world actually got his mom to let him go out on a cold night. Bucky was also gaining popularity at school a bit. He was strong, athletic and not bad looking. The girls wrote him little notes and he'd even taken some of them on a few dates. He was a total science nerd, but his strong build kept the bullies away for the most part._

 _It was the beginning of Bucky's skirt chasing, foul-mouthed, drinking days. Which would progress at they grew older into their teenage years. Even though Bucky was changing a bit from 'It's nice to meet you, sir' to 'Where are my damn cigarettes?', Steve was never worried Bucky and him would grow apart. They were inseparable, for the most part. And Bucky still knew how to behave like a proper gentleman. The two spent nearly every day together, so Steve got to see every side of Bucky. His sweet, innocent side that he showed for his and Steve's mom, the smooth, suave side he pulled out for the girls, the foul-mouthed, drinking side he flaunted with the boys and the side that only Steve saw. The overprotective, nurturing, caring side that Steve pretended to hate, but secretly loved the most. Bucky looked at Steve like he was the whole world, even at that young age._

 _The movie was packed with people, but they didn't care. As a monster came to life on screen they cowered in their seats. Although, neither of them would admit they were scared. Bucky was the big brother at that time, the protector and he couldn't let on he was scared. Steve was too hotheaded and stubborn, he always felt like he had something to prove, especially to Bucky. He looked up to Bucky in those times, in fact, he always looked up to Bucky. And when the movie was over and the thrills died down, they walked back to Steve's with chills running down their spines._

 _"That was so cool! I mean, could you imagine if science could really do something like that? I bet if anyone could pull it off, It'd be that Howard Stark guy. He's a real genius!" Bucky raved as they walked down the city streets._

 _"Yeah he's something else. Thought you were gunna jump out of your seat a couple times...you weren't scared, were ya Buck?" Steve teased._

 _"No way, it's just how that damn music got loud all of the sudden, ya know? Startled me is all. I wasn't scared a bit! I saw you shakin in your boots though, pal, thought I was gunna have to carry you out of there," Bucky teased back._

 _The boys went back and forth till they reached Steve's apartment. Once inside Steve shed his coat, gloves and scarf at once. Steve always preferred the cold to the hot and often felt smothered in such thick clothing._

 _"Well I guess I should get goin..." Bucky said nervously._

 _He didn't want to admit he was afraid to walk home by himself in the dark after the movie._

 _"Oh yeah...well...I mean you don't have to leave just this minute. Mom has some leftover spaghetti in the fridge..." Steve began to say awkwardly._

 _Steve didn't want to admit he was afraid to be in the house all alone at night while his mom worked till morning._

 _"And you know I think my mom would kill me if I let you walk home at night by yourself. You know how she gets...why don't you just stay here tonight. We could build a fort in the living room, camp out or something?" Steve suggested._

 _A smile spread across Bucky's face._

 _"Yeah, sounds swell pal," Bucky agreed before kicking off his boots at the door and following Steve into the kitchen._

 _The boys got out all the flashlights, and kept them on all night in the pillow fort. They stayed up late talking about things that weren't really important, but seemed important at the time. Steve's mom came home early in the morning to see the boys passed out on the living room floor, surrounded with almost all the pillows and blankets in the house. A soft smile spread on her face, those boys would be inseparable until the day they died._

"Anyway, when we woke up my mom was making us french toast," Steve ended the story.

A smile was on Bucky's face as he listened.

"That was a fun night, I remember it now. We spent over two hours comparing Dracula to Frankenstein," Bucky remembered.

They stayed silent for a few moments before Bucky looked over to Steve, he gazed for a few moments with a hint of sadness in his eyes.

"What is it?" Steve asked.

"You just...you grew up, kid. You got so big," Bucky sighed.

"I guess you'll have to look up to me now," Steve grinned.

"Awe hell, Stevie, I always looked up to you," Bucky smiled back.

Steve felt his cheeks flush red. Bucky Barnes was the only person on this planet besides Peggy Carter that could make him blush like that. The light from the flame between the boy's faces started to close as they leaned in to each other. Their lips met and Steve's heart was beating out of his chest. He missed this, he missed Bucky. And all too soon Bucky pulled away with a pained expression on his face.

"Are you okay? What's wrong?" Steve began to panic.

"I don't know that...it hurts. Like...it's programmed to _hurt,_ " Bucky grimaced and, out of his subconscious habit, immediately reached for his left shoulder, when the metal was melded into man, and began to scratch.

"What do you mean, programmed to hurt?" Steve inquired as he reached to stop Bucky from scratching at the skin.

Bucky pulled away from Steve's touch, instinctively, and whimpered. He scooted away from his friend, trying to stop the pain.

"It feels...bad. It doesn't feel like before, like it should. Hydra poked at my brain. They...they pulled the wires and made it hurt to think about you. I...I screamed and screamed for you when they put me in that chair. I told 'em, Stevie, I told 'em they'd be sorry when you showed up. But you...you never did," Bucky stumbled over his words nervously, like his mind was being pulled in different directions, "They twisted everything in my brain. Before they made me forget you, they had to make you insignificant. They knew I wouldn't just forget what we had...they _knew_ how much I loved you. Every time I called for you...every time I mumbled your name in my sleep or _thought_ about you...they hurt me. I guess it's still there now, the remains of what they did to me..." Bucky's breaths became shallow and erratic.

He clawed at the metal arm as he spoke, never looking Steve directly in the eye. Steve wanted to comfort Bucky, but knew any physical contact might be dangerous at this point. It pained Steve to see Bucky like this and not be able to touch him, hold him. Steve never considered how Bucky was probably waiting for Steve to rescue him. How long had he held onto hope that Steve would break down Hydra's walls and save him? How many times had Bucky screamed Steve's name while being tortured?

"I'm so sorry, Bucky...if I wouldn't have been so reckless I could have saved you..." Steve whispered helplessly.

"Don't...just don't, please Steve..." Bucky pleaded.

Steve took a deep breath and noticed Bucky had broken the skin where he had scratched at his arm. Steve's eyes went wide and he lunched forward and grabbed Bucky's arm. Bucky's eyes went wide and he noticed Steve's terrified expression. As he gained control of reality again he noticed the blood on his hands and shoulder.

"Shit," He exclaimed before standing and pulling off his blood stained shirt.

Steve rushed to the car and grabbed the first aid kit. Bucky followed behind and took a seat on the back end of the Expedition. Steve was gentle as he wiped down Bucky's shoulder with hydrogen peroxide. Bucky's breaths became even as he let Steve work.

"I'm sorry...it's just a habit..." Bucky said softly, "I don't even realize I do it until I'm bleeding."

Steve took a deep breath. It wasn't Bucky's fault, but he hated to see him hurt himself like that.

"How often does this happen?" Steve asked.

"Always when I get worked up about Hydra...and other than that it happens at least once or twice a week. I just don't realize it until it's too late, so I've never been able to really take control of it," He shrugged.

"Well...you've got me now so...whenever you start doing it I can stop you," Steve gave an encouraging smile.

Bucky tried to give a smile too and put on a clean shirt. Steve looked up to the night sky to see it in a blanket of bright stars.

"Hey, Buck, you gotta see this..." Steve breathed out.

Bucky hopped out of the car and looked up. A smile spread across Bucky's face and he looked to Steve who had the same expression of bliss and happiness.

"Do you remember when I used to write you those letters during the war? The one's where I called you Stephanie so I could get away with some of the things I wrote?" Bucky asked.

"Of course, I still have them all," Steve answered.

"I used to ask you to go outside every night and look up at the sky for me, because I was doing the same thing where I was at. And whenever I looked up at the moon, I knew you were looking too. And no matter how bad the war got before you got there, I'd look up and think of you," Bucky remembered.

"I was touring selling war bonds when we sent those letters. Agent Carter always had my mail delivered to me on the road, so I could still send you letters," Steve added.

"She never questioned why you were getting mail to a Stephanie Rogers?" Bucky raised his brow.

"No and she never questioned when I _sent_ mail from a Stephanie Rogers either," Steve chuckled.

"She was a swell gal," Bucky smiled, "If things would have ended differently, you would have married her, you know."

"She was, wasn't she? And you know I probably would have...probably would have loved her too."

Bucky suddenly took Steve's hand into his own and gave it a squeezed. Steve looked down at their hands and then up to Bucky's face.

"She would've been one lucky woman," Bucky commented.

Steve shrugged, "I guess...but maybe now I can make you happy."

"You always have, Stevie, and I'm sure you always will."

Bucky's nightmares came again, right on schedule and Steve was there to calm him down. It was beginning to take less time to calm him down than the first. Getting Bucky back to sleep wasn't as difficult now that he was remembering to trust Steve more. And after the night in the woods, the boys got back on the road again towards California. They decided to head to St. Louis, Missouri and take route 66 all the way to California from there. It was the way they had always planned to go, and a little nostalgia never hurts. It wasn't but a 5 hour drive to St. Louis, but the boys would spend the night in the city and in a hotel. They got on the road around 11 and by 11:15, Bucky was bored.

"I can't wait to get a shower and sleep in a bed," Bucky commented.

"Yeah, you kicked me pretty hard last night, it'll be nice to have a big bed to sleep in," Steve winced as he rubbed his ribs.

"Sorry," Bucky said sheepishly before lowering his head.

Steve looked over and noticed Bucky beginning to recede again.

"You used to yell at me all the time back in Brooklyn, remember? There was one winter when we couldn't afford to fix our heater, so we slept together for warmth," Steve tried to steer the subject to something sweeter.

Bucky smirked and looked over at Steve, "I remember that winter. It was the winter before the war and we..." Bucky trailed off.

He began to wince and furrow his brow. Steve watched his happy expression turn into pain.

"You don't have to keep thinking about it if it hurts," Steve reached over and grabbed Bucky's hand.

"I know...I want to. I want to remember so bad and I...God I just loved you so much," He broke.

They continued driving in silence for awhile. The more this trip went on the more Steve realized just how broken Bucky really was. Hydra had done so much to him, and Steve couldn't do anything for him. He couldn't turn back time and protect him.

"We did that in the field too," Bucky suddenly voiced.

"Did what?" Steve asked.

They had been driving for about an hour in silence before Bucky finally spoke.

"Slept together. It was cold in the field and we...we huddled together for warmth. None of the commando's said anything because they were doing the exact same thing. Oh, I remember now. I remember, because...because before I left for the war we had sex and then you showed up all dazzled up in your suit and we couldn't talk about it. Yeah okay, I remember that night after you rescued me and were in that bar and then we were in the bathroom together and...and I wanted to talk to you about it..." Bucky began to ramble as the memories clicked into place in his brain.

"You wanted to talk to me about it and I said it wasn't the time or the place to talk about what happened the night before you left," Steve finished.

Bucky fell silent and stared at Steve.

"Yeah that's right," He remembered. "That's right," He added a little angrier.

Steve looked over to see an angry expression on Bucky's face.

"We got in a fight that night. Because I just wanted to fucking talk to you and you kept shoving me away..."

"Okay that's not exactly how it happened," Steve interjected.

"Oh really? Well then why don't you clear it up for me, Stevie," Bucky laughed sarcastically.

 _Steve had just finished enlisting the commando's to follow him into the jaws of death and he found Bucky at the back bar to enlist his final soldier. Bucky bought his friend a drink and had had maybe a little too many himself. He looked at Steve, shining bright in his army uniform. The stupid punk was so goddamn proud that he had gotten over to the war and Bucky couldn't stop staring at his sculpted body. As if it wasn't hard enough to keep his hands off Steve, now it would be damn near impossible. He tried to pick up Agent Carter, maybe dancing with a dame would get his mind off Steve. She, however, declined._

 _So it was back to the bar with Steve. His goddamn beautiful blue eyes somehow got brighter. His smile was wider and his hair fell so perfectly Bucky swore angels styled it themselves. Steve Rogers would be the death of him, now more than ever. He told him to stay home. What did the little shit do? He went out and let scientists shoot him up with a highly experimental drug that could have killed him. The way Bucky felt when he looked at Steve all dressed up like that, Steve dying would have been less painful. After another round of drinks Bucky didn't know if he could take much more._

 _"You alright, Buck?" Steve finally asked, "Those Hydra goons didn't rough you up too bad, did they?"_

 _"Nah, Stevie, they tried, but they'll never take down Sgt. James Barnes," Bucky lied._

 _"We'll go out and give 'em hell, Buck. Together," Steve smiled brightly as he placed a firm grip on his friend's shoulder._

 _It was too much. Bucky couldn't handle looking at him, let alone having him touch him and smile at him like that. Bucky shook the hand off and made a B line for the bathroom. He rushed to the sink and began to splash water on his face. His hands gripped the counter and he took a few deeps breaths. He tried to shake the image out of his head, of the night before he left. Of having Steve the way he did, completely to himself._

 _Steve, of course, entered the restroom a few moments later._

 _"Get out," He ordered to the man who had just finished wiping his hands with a paper towel._

 _The man rushed out of the restroom and Steve locked the door behind him._

 _"You wanna tell me what the hell is going on, Bucky?" Steve commanded._

 _Great, he was using his 'Captain' voice. As if Bucky didn't have enough trouble not jumping him in front of the entire bar._

 _"You too drunk or somethin?" Steve pestered._

 _Bucky turned to face Steve._

 _"I'm not drunk, Steve," Bucky retaliated._

 _The two stared each other down, not moving until the other gave in._

 _"It's just been a rough couple of days, alright? You have no idea what it's like over here," Bucky began._

 _"Save it, alright? What's this really about?" Steve saw right through him._

 _Bucky sighed and ran his fingers through his hair nervously, eyes flickering away from Steve._

 _"Last I remember, you were 95 pounds and naked beneath me," Bucky finally admitted._

 _"Bucky..."_

 _"No. Shut your goddamn mouth Steve. I told you to stay home and what do you do? You do the most dangerous fucking thing you can think of! I should've left you tied to that goddamn bed, because maybe, just maybe..." Bucky began to rant, but was cut off._

 _"I'd be dying. I'd be dead. Maybe in an ally somewhere or from an asthma attack. For once in my life I'm healthy, Buck. You don't have to watch out for me anymore..."_

 _"No, I do. I fucking do because now you're running into a real war zone. These aren't those back ally fights in Brooklyn, Steve, this is a goddamn war. A fucking firefight and I see men dying every single goddamn day. And I was so happy, so fucking happy that I wouldn't have to see you die. Now, I'm probably going to have to. Because I know you and I know you'll lay down your life to win this war. You'll do anything to be a fucking hero."_

 _Steve clenched his jaw and stayed silent._

 _"And now, you show up all muscular and handsome as hell and expect me to just keep pretending that we're just friends?"_

 _"We are just friend's, Bucky. We have to be, you and I both know that," Steve commented._

 _Bucky scoffed and began to pace the bathroom. Of course, that's all they ever would be._

 _"You really expect me to be able to go on as 'just friend's' after you show up looking like this? Spandex, Steve, they have you in spandex..."_

 _"Oh and you think this is easy for me? Seeing you all dolled up in your uniform? We can't risk being together and you know it. We'd get killed or worse kicked out of the army," Steve shot back._

 _Bucky began to laugh loudly, of course Steve was more worried about getting kicked out of the war than getting killed._

 _"I have a reputation to keep..." Steve began to say._

 _"Are you fucking kidding me? You're America's fucking puppet, Steve. Tell me, would half of those fuckers out there give a shit about you if they knew you before you showed up as the muscled man? If they saw the Steve that I grew up with. The scrawny kid who is literally a walking raincloud of rage?"_

 _There was a sudden knock at the door._

 _"We can't have this conversation, Bucky. It's over. And I don't want you to bring it up again," Steve commanded before opening the door and stepping out of the bathroom._

 _Bucky kicked the wall before rushing out after Steve. He grabbed his cigarettes off the bar and followed Steve out of the bar._

 _"We're having this goddamn conversation, Steve. You can't just walk away from me," Bucky followed._

 _"It's over. That's an order, Sargent," Steve commanded._

 _Bucky took a cigarette out of the pack and placed his between his lips._

 _"Alright," He said as he fumbled with his lighter, "Fine. Then have fun winning this war without me."_

 _"You're not really going to do that, Buck," Steve rolled his eyes._

 _"Either we find a place to have this conversation, or I'm out. I'll come out as queer to the whole goddamn army, I don't care," Bucky leaned in and whispered._

 _Steve then grabbed Bucky's arm and began to pull him across the street to a motel. He got a room quickly for the night and then pulled Bucky into it. As the door locked behind them, Bucky pulled the blinds._

 _"Alright, let's get this over with," Steve sighed as he loosened his tie._

 _"These guys wouldn't give you the goddamn time of day if they saw you before the experiment. They'd kick your ass in the dirt," Bucky began to say, "All those girls chasing after you now? Do you think they'd give little Steve Rogers the time of day? No, but they'll sure as hell throw themselves at Captain fucking America."_

 _"What are you saying, Buck?"_

 _"I'm saying they don't fucking deserve you. I kept you warm in the winter, I kept you from dying, I kept you safe and I took care of you and none of those sons of bitches will ever care for you like I do," Bucky ranted._

 _"So what do you wanna do? Sneak around until we're caught? Bucky there's no way this is ever going to work between us and you know it," Steve questioned._

 _"Do you have any idea how hard it is to look at you now? You're like a walking work of art, Stevie."_

 _"Are you serious? Have you looked in the mirror, Bucky? I had to grow up my whole life the ugly friend. And not only that, the ugly friend that had a crush on you. You're experiencing what I've been experiencing my entire life," Steve retaliated._

 _"So we both want each other so why can't we just..."_

 _"No, alright? The answer is no. What happened in Brooklyn before you left...that was it. It was your dying wish Buck, and we were drunk and I thought I was never going to see you again and..."_

 _"So what are you saying, it was a mistake or something? Because that's the only goddamn thing that's kept me going, Stevie. You and your letters as Stephanie and remembering all those secret times in the apartment we had and..."_

 _"No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying it was a one time thing in a desperate hour..."_

 _"Desperate hour? Jesus fucking Christ, Steve would ya listen to yourself?"_

 _"Goddamnit, would you stop twisting my words around?!" Steve exploded._

 _Bucky stopped and shut his mouth. Steve wasn't the swearing type and when he did it was because he was truly angry. Steve placed his hands on his hips and took a deep breath._

 _There came a sudden knock at the door. The two boys faces went pale and Steve went to look through the eye hole. It was Agent Carter. Steve unlocked the door, opened it and Peggy slid through without a given welcome._

 _"Do you boys have any idea the kind of trouble you're about to be in?" She scolded as the door shut behind her._

 _"Agent Carter, this isn't...I mean we're not..."_

 _"It doesn't matter what it is, it matters what it looks like. You're under constant surveillance, Captain. Do you know how it looks when you drag your Sargent out of the bar and right to a motel room? Do you know how much trouble you two could be in if it wasn't me on surveillance tonight?" She continued to scold the two soldiers._

 _She then proceeded to shove folders at the boys._

 _"These are you alibi's for this evening. You will follow them to a T, understood? Now look, I don't know what your boy's relationship is and frankly I don't care. But you can't pull anything like this again while Rogers is still under surveillance. You both must report back to base tomorrow morning at the scheduled time in your packets. So, if you two are in a romantic relationship I would suggest taking advantage of tonight, because it's likely to be the last one you're ever going to get," Peggy informed before turning and exiting the motel room. After the clicking of Agent Carters heels had disappeared Bucky took a deep breath._

 _"I didn't want to go to war, Steve..." Bucky whispered._

 _"Do you really still think dodging the war would mean we could be together?" Steve asked._

 _"We could have ran away together, just you and me. We could've gone some place no one would ever find us. Somewhere in the woods or..."_

 _"Oh please, Bucky, we're both city boys through and through. We'd be miserable out in the sticks..."_

 _"I wouldn't be," Bucky shook his head and whispered, tears brimming, "Because I'd be with you."_

 _"It's too late now anyway, Buck. We're here and we're at war and that's what we need to focus on. Because we just might be able to win this war and if we're lucky we'll also survive it," Steve said._

 _"And then what? We go home? We go back to our regular lives and we get married to dames and that's the end of it?" Bucky questioned._

 _Steve sighed, he hated seeing Bucky upset._

 _"You don't think I'd love to spend the rest of my life with you, Bucky? You don't think I'd love to be able to walk down the street and hold your hand or kiss you in public? You know sometimes you act like I don't care about you at all..."_

 _"Well it doesn't seem like it," Bucky crossed his arms._

 _Steve felt his heart shatter. As much as Bucky had always been the protector and the alpha male, he'd always been the one who needed the most affection. Steve sighed. All those years Bucky had always been the one to make the first move and now Steve had the body to back up all that confidence. He took two big strides across the room, placed his hands on either side of Bucky's face and pressed a harsh kiss to his lips. He deepened the kiss with a passion that instantly heated the room. Bucky feverishly kissed back while pushing Steve towards the bed. He shoved him down forcefully and began to tear away his clothing before crawling on top of his lover._

"That's how it happened, Bucky. We had that conversation and more," Steve clarified.

"Yeah...I guess we did..." Bucky cleared his throat, "I forgot about that last part..."

"Do you remember the next morning? We woke up late and had to get dressed in a rush. We got back to base and Agent Carter pulled us aside because we were wearing each others ties...mine had that pin in it, remember?" Steve added with a smile.

"She really saved our asses," Bucky grinned.

"She sure did," Steve smiled in remembrance.

"Hey, were we ever in Italy during the war?" Bucky suddenly asked.

"No, we never went to Italy," Steve answered.

"Really? I remember being in Italy...I thought you were there too...shit, I'm getting things mixed up," Bucky furrowed his brow and thought more.

They drove in silence for a few a little while longer. Bucky tried to put more pieces together. Every once in awhile Steve would feel Bucky tug his hand or twitch a bit. He'd look over and notice a pained expression on Bucky's face that would eventually subside. Steve turned up the radio to hear Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy playing. They had it tuned to the classics station so they could hear songs they remembered from the good old days.

Eventually, the boys stopped at a rest stop about 3 hours into their travels. It was a rough looking stop, beat up and old. There were a couple of thugs hanging out around the side of the building. Steve pumped the gas while Bucky went inside to use the bathroom and grab some cigarettes. There was crappy old country music playing through the speakers and some of the lights were burnt out. Bucky took a quick look around before grabbing a can of Pringles and heading to the register. The cashier informed him the restrooms were around back and handed him the key.

As Bucky headed around back he had to pass the three thugs standing on the side of the building. He kept his head low and his gaze down as he walked pass.

"Hey man, you gotta light?" one of the thugs asked.

"No, sorry," Bucky said as he continued walking without looking up.

Suddenly, two of the thugs grabbed his shoulders and shoved him up against the wall. It was the middle of the goddamn day and these assholes were jumping him. They didn't know what they had just done. Bucky was wearing one of Steve's jackets, to conceal his arm. The third thug walked up and punched him in the stomach, causing him to drop to his knees. Bucky quickly foot swept the thug on his right, dropping him to the ground. He then reached out with his metal arm and grabbed the leg of the thug on his left and squeezing till he heard the bone snap.

The man dropped down and let out an agonizing wail. Bucky then lurched up towards the thug who punched him in the stomach and tackled him to the ground.

"I fought for your goddamn freedom and I can sure as hell take it away," Bucky growled as he began to punch the thug in the face with his metal arm.

Bucky suddenly heard a gun click behind him. He turned his attention to the thug he footswept who had a glock aimed at his head. Bucky stepped forward and disarmed the man before he could even realize it. He then shoved the thug up against the wall and contemplated snapping his neck. It was what he was trained to do, but he was tactical. Instead he pistol whipped the guy and knocked him out cold. He turned his attention back to the thug with the broken leg and did the same.

"Bucky, what the hell?" Steve exclaimed as he came running around the side.

"They jumped me," Bucky explained.

He then took a good look at the men. The thug whose leg he broke was bleeding because the bone was sticking out and there was blood coming out from his head where the gun hit his temple. The thug who pulled the gun on him was also bleeding and bruised and the third, who Bucky had punched repeatedly looked like a fucking horror movie victim. His face was so swelled, bleeding and bruised you couldn't even recognize his face.

"Jesus, you nearly killed them," Steve rushed over and checked the pulses of the men.

"They're not dead, I was tactical," Bucky assured as he clicked the safety on on the gun and shoved it down the back of his pants, covering it with his jacket.

"We gotta get out of here, now," Steve ordered as he grabbed Bucky's sleeve and pulled him towards the car.

The two men sped out of there as fast as possible. Steve kept the speedometer up on the high side until he had put enough distance between them and the gas station. He had Jarvis hack into the gas stations security system to make sure none of what happened was caught on tape. Luckily, it was a run down piece of shit and the cameras were only set up inside the facility. For good measure, Steve had Jarvis delete any footage of him or Bucky at the station. It wasn't until they were about ten miles down the road that he noticed Bucky clawing at his arm under the jacket.

"Bucky, stop scratching," Steve reached over to swipe his hand away, but was met with hostile force.

Bucky gripped Steve's wrist hard and shoved it back. His frantic eyes and uneven heavy breathing indicated he had receded to his primal state.

"Come on, Buck, I need you to stay with me," Steve coached, turning his gaze from the road to Bucky and then back again, "Deep breaths, baby, come on."

Bucky tried to listen to Steve, focus on his voice. He looked over and studied his face. Bucky was with Steve, and that meant he was safe. He didn't have to fight. He wasn't in danger with Steve. Eventually, his breathing normalized and he stopped scratching. Bucky then reached over and took Steve's hand, entwining their fingers like before.

"Good, that's good. You're doing great," Steve praised.

Bucky flashed a smile and went back to focusing on his breathing. He reached back and pulled the gun out of his pants. He sat it on his lap, opened the glove box and tossed it in.

"We should get rid of it," Steve commented.

"It's a piece of shit gun, I'll wipe the prints and dump it in St. Louis," Bucky agreed.

Steve nodded and continued driving. After a few moments of silence Bucky cleared his throat, "I...I really didn't know how bad I was messin those punks up, Steve, honest."

"It's okay, Buck. You were just defending yourself, it's not your fault you're a trained assassin," Steve reconciled.

Bucky sighed and pulled his hand away to open his new pack of cigarettes. He opened the pack, flipped two of them over and grabbed another one out to smoke.

"Why do you always flip two of them over like that?" Steve asked.

"They're your lucky's. You always smoke the flipped one's last. Some people flip one and others two," Bucky explained.

"Why do you flip two?" Steve asked.

A smirk spread on Bucky's face and he lit cigarette he had pulled out to smoke.

"One for good luck and one for a good fuck," He winked.

Steve felt his cheeks flush. Bucky leaned over and pressed a kiss to Steve's cheek quickly. Steve felt like a million bucks when Bucky was sweet on him. Especially nowadays, when he knows Bucky doesn't trust a damn soul on this whole planet but him. When Bucky looks at him like he's the whole world he feels like the whole world.

The boys arrived in St. Louis around 5:30 and they were starving. They checked into their penthouse suite hotel room, courtesy of Tony Stark, and Steve instantly flopped down on the couch. Bucky stepped behind the bar and began pouring two Jack and cokes.

"Hey, why don't we go out to a nice restaurant tonight? Let me wine and dine you," Bucky suggested as he brought over a drink to Steve.

"I didn't pack a suit, Bucky and you don't own one," Steve pointed out.

"We're here on Tony Stark's money, and Tony Stark is about to buy two new suits," Bucky shook his hips and took a sip of his drink.

Steve sighed and pulled out his phone. He ordered Jarvis to have to suits delivered to the suite as soon as possible tailored to their exact measurements. A few moments later Steve's phone rang with Stark on the other side of the line.

"Hey Tony," Steve answered.

"I'm assuming since you two are getting suits sent up that you're going someplace nice for dinner, wanted to recommend a few places for you," Tony said.

"Yeah I think that's more Bucky's department, he's leading this whole operation," Steve said.

"Huh...that's interesting..."

"Why is that interesting?" Steve inquired.

"I just always pictured you as the alpha of the relationship, since you're always so...dominant. Didn't know you were a bottom, that's all," Tony shrugged, "Now put your boyfriend on the phone."

Steve walked over to Bucky and handed him the phone.

"I'm gunna go get a shower, Tony wants to talk to you," Steve said before heading to the bathroom.

"This better be good, Stark, Steve just went to shower and I'm not joining him," Bucky said.

"Take Steve to Tony's on Market street. It's a really nice Italian place. I'll put a reservation in under Barnes for tonight at 7 and a limo will be waiting to escort you guys there," Tony informed.

"Wow...that actually sounds pretty good. Alright thanks Stark, I owe you one," Bucky said as he wrote down the details on a cocktail napkin.

Bucky downed the rest of his drink and listened to the water running in the bathroom. He knew it was okay to join Steve, but something held him back when he actually thought about walking in there. He got to the door, hand on the doorknob and stopped. He wanted to go in. He knew it would be okay, that Steve wouldn't mind. That Steve would even welcome him, but when he actually thought about it. Really thought about the two of them standing there together in a shower, it hurt. As much as he didn't want it to, he hurt. Sharp pains shot across his mind, from the inside out. He even thought about trying to push through it, just going in and seeing how long he could withstand the pain. He'd do that, to be with Steve the way Steve wanted.

Suddenly the door swung open and startled Bucky out of his thoughts. There stood Steve, dripping wet wearing nothing but a towel.

"Shit, Buck!" Steve eyes went wide as he grabbed Bucky's arm and pulled it away from his shoulder.

He'd been scratching again and didn't even realize it. When he looked down at his hand there was blood under his nails. He looked at his shoulder that was now dripping blood. Steve pulled him into the bathroom and turned on the sink. He grabbed some hand towels, ran them under the water and pressed them to Bucky's skin.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Bucky began to repeat over and over again.

"Stop apologizing, it's not your fault," Steve soothed.

Bucky suddenly lurched forward and wrapped his arms around Steve. He gripped him tightly and pressed his face into the crook of his neck. Steve's tense body relaxed as his arms found his way around Bucky's torso.

"It's getting worse," Bucky whispered.

"Is it because you're remembering?" Steve asked.

Bucky shook his head and sighed.

"It's because of you."

Steve pulled away, hands resting on the side of Bucky's chest and looked upon him with concerned eyes.

"We're not friend's anymore, Steve. We're more than that and now that I remember...it hurts. And when I think about you now..." Bucky stopped, not too sure how to explain what was happening inside his head.

"We don't have to be anymore, if it hurts too much. We can be friends, Bucky..." Steve began to say but Bucky shook his head.

"I don't want to be just friend's, Steve, that's why it hurts. I mean just now, while you were in the shower. I was thinking about joining you. But I got to the door and...it just hurt. I was gunna push through it, but by the time I got the courage you had already opened the door," Bucky explained.

Steve pursed his lips, "I don't want you to be in pain anymore, Buck."

"I don't either. But I want to be with you. I wanna flirt with you and tell you how beautiful you are. I wanna fall asleep in your arms like we did on those cold nights in the field. I wanna kiss you and hold your hand and grab your ass and not give a damn what anyone says because it's the 21st century and I've been through too much shit to pretend we're just friends anymore," Bucky poured out.

Steve stayed silent and listened. He wasn't too sure what to say to that. He wanted all of those things, but knew it would cause Bucky pain.

"Now, I'm going to get a shower and we're going on a real goddamn date because you're my boyfriend and I've waited 70 years for this," Bucky decided before walking past Steve and turning on the shower.

There came a knock at the door and Steve hurried to throw on clothes before answering it. Bucky hopped in the shower and let the hot water cascade down his body. It stung a bit when it hit his sensitive shoulder, but nothing he couldn't handle. After he finished washing up, the boys got dressed in their new suits. They decided to get dressed and ready in separate rooms of the suite, meeting up at the door to go to dinner together. Steve slicked his hair back and took a deep breath. All those double dates with Bucky and some girls who were never interested in him. Now he was finally getting the date he always wanted with the man he loved the most.

When they met at the door Steve's heart nearly leaped out of his chest. Bucky was cleaned up and stunning. Hair back, fitted suit, and that cocky smile he loved so much.

"You always did clean up nice," Steve smiled.

"And you always didn't so this is nice treat for me," Bucky jested.

"Jerk."

"Punk."

The two smiled at each other. Bucky then reached for the door and they walked out of the room. A limo was waiting for them at the entrance to take them to the restaurant.

"Those Stark's really love the finer things in life," Bucky noted as he took advantage of the full bar in the limo.

He handed Steve a scotch on the rocks and they clinked their glasses together before taking a sip. It was expensive scotch and went down smooth. Bucky scooted close to Steve and grinned. When they got to the restaurant Steve's eyes went wide.

"Wow, this is...extravagant..." Steve breathed.

"Only the best for you, Stevie," Bucky said as he held out his arm for Steve to take.

Stark made sure the two soldiers had the best table in the whole restaurant. Bucky didn't like how crowded it was, and often found himself scanning the room. Steve would place his hand over Bucky's and pull his attention back.

"It's okay, Buck, just focus on me," Steve soothed.

Bucky gave Steve's hand a squeeze and smiled proudly before pulling his hand away to take a drink of wine. French wine, an Italian restaurant and an all American boyfriend; the perfect combination for that evening.

"This almost makes up for the time Tony and I got on a fight on the helicarrier," Steve commented absentmindedly.

"You got in a fight...with Tony Stark...on a Shield helicarrier..." Bucky clenched his fists.

"Well...all the Avengers sort of got in a fight with each other. It wasn't physical...we just sort of shouted over each other...until Clint and Loki showed up and blew us up," Steve elaborated, "Oh wait, no it was physical before we got to the helicarrier. Tony, Thor and I all went head to head in the woods..."

"Oh really?" Bucky raised his eyebrows.

Steve cleared his throat...him and his big mouth.

"It...um...Tony and I didn't exactly get along for awhile in the beginning," Steve said.

"Why? Howard was..."

"He's not Howard" Steve cut him off.

"So, because you guys didn't like each other you got into a brawl in the woods while Loki was trying to take over the world..." Bucky bitched.

"We teamed up after..."

"After you guys beat each other up!"

Steve sighed and took another sip of wine.

"We should change the subject..."

"You get unfrozen and instead of trying to make allies and _progress,_ you pick a fight with Howard's son and a fucking _god,"_ Bucky said as he pinched the bridge of his nose with his index finger and thumb.

"Thor busted into our jet, grabbed Loki and jumped out. Tony and I followed and fought on the same side against Thor at first. It's a long story, but all of the Avengers wound up arguing in the lab on the helicarrier and Tony targeted me..."

"Wait, what?" Bucky leaned forward and asked.

"He hated me the most at first, but we're friends now. I was quick to judge him as well. I thought he was nothing more than some rich egotistical jerk and he thought I was just an experiment his dad did years ago," Steve explained.

"He called you an _experiment,"_ Bucky pressed.

"No, well...not in those words...," Steve sighed, "He just said that everything special about me came out of a bottle..."

"That son of a bitch," Bucky leaned back and chuckled sarcastically.

"He didn't _know_ me and I didn't know him. We weren't even really a team yet when all this happened. And to be fair I said some pretty judgmental things to him as well. I was fresh out of the ice and I was _angry._ I _died_ to keep the tessaract from causing trouble and my first mission out of the ice was because the tessaract had fallen into the wrong hands _again."_

Bucky notices Steve's body become rigid. His hand on the table clenched into a fist and he seemed...overwhelmed. The tessaract had caused both of them a lot of trouble back during the war. Bucky could only imagine how completely _done_ Steve was with Shield when he woke up and found out they had fished it out of the ocean and were testing it.

"Not to mention Hydra was infiltrating Shield the entire time and if it wasn't for you...er...the Winter Soldier showing up we would never have known. I mean...I went on missions with Rumlow. Multiple missions and he spent 45 minutes teaching me how to use Google Docs! And I went to Pierce's BBQ, it was required and we got paid for it, but I still went. I ate the burgers he grilled and we spent a good 20 minutes talking about that show The Big Bang Theory. Come to find out they were all Hydra agents and...I just feel so stupid about the whole things sometimes," Steve explained.

Bucky suddenly started to chuckle, which eventually turned into a full out laugh.

"I'm sorry, it's not funny, it's really not, but I just picture Rumlow trying to teach you Google Docs..." He tried to spit out between laughs.

Steve then smiled and began to chuckle too. It wasn't funny, but now Hydra has been taken down it felt okay to laugh about it.

"What's really funny is that he had just gotten off duty, and those 45 minutes were completely unpaid," Steve added.

Bucky threw his head back and laughed even more. It felt good to be able to laugh about something that was once painful. The two finished their dinners and dessert (Boston Cream pie) and left the restaurant. Bucky was a little tipsy from all the drinks he'd had, but luckily Steve was there to escort him fully sober, since he couldn't get drunk.

"How am I supposed to take advantage of you if I can't get you drunk, Stevie?" Bucky joked on the way back to the hotel.

"I guess I'll just have to take advantage of you then," Steve grinned as he wrapped an arm around Bucky's shoulder and pulled him close.

"Steve Rogers? Captain Steve Rogers? America's perfect little button boy take advantage of a drunk fellow soldier? Never in a million years," Bucky gasped sarcastically and pulled back in shock.

"You know me too well, Sarg, I'll need your consent first," Steve smirked.

Bucky giggled and flopped his head to the side with a goofy grin.

"Steve Rogers, the man who will take charge! A natural born leader who will parachute into enemy territory. A man who has punched out Hitler over 200 times, but will ask permission before kissing someone," Bucky continued to banter, "The star spangled man with a plan," Bucky finally broke out in thunderous laughter at the last bit.

"I didn't write the song, okay," Steve rolled his eyes.

"Those tights though! And those red boots! I can't believe...I mean...you actually wore all that shit, Stevie!" Bucky continued to jest.

Steve watched as Bucky had a fit of laughter. He loved seeing Bucky so happy, even if it was at his expense. The two would often throw insults and laugh at each other, so it wasn't unusual.

"Yeah, but if I remember correctly, which I do, you would always whisper things to me out in the field at night when we were curled up together...and I'm pretty sure one of those little whispers had to do with you having me in _just_ the boots," Steve commented back.

"Please tell me you still have them," Bucky pleaded.

"They're on display at the Smithsonian in my exhibit..."

"Our exhibit. My uniform's in there too you know! But mine didn't make me look like a walking flag," Bucky interrupted.

"Hey, you know what we should do some time?" Steve asked with a devious grin.

"What?" Bucky asked, sitting up and leaning closer to Steve.

"We should go to the museum in our uniforms and stand as wax statues and see who get's caught first," Steve suggested.

Bucky broke out in thunderous laughter once more and Steve joined in. Between laughs, Bucky agreed it would be a hilarious idea. They got back to the hotel and Steve was actually itching to get out of the suit and into his pajama pants. Bucky did the same and the boys crawled into bed and turned on the TV. Steve reached into his bag and took out a sketch pad and multiple drawing pencils.

"You gunna draw me, Stevie?" Bucky asked.

"Would you like me to?" He raised his eyebrows.

Bucky simply smiled softly and nodded.

"How do you want me?" Bucky asked.

Steve stood and walked to the foot of the bed where he thought for a few moments, picturing what he wanted to draw and what position he wanted Bucky in. They used to do this at least 3-4 times a week when they lived together in Brooklyn.

"Okay shirt off. Scoot your back against the baseboard and slouch a bit," Steve began to order, "Yeah like that, now tilt your head to the side a bit and have it against the headboard too. Pull your right knee up and rest your arm across it...down a bit...okay good, stay just like that."

Steve pulled up a chair from one of the desks and positioned himself at the foot of the bed. He figured he'd put Bucky in a position that wasn't too uncomfortable or outrageous since it had been awhile since he posed for Steve. Normally, he'd have Bucky near or completely naked and twisted in some abstract or sexual position. The sound of Steve's pencil brushing and scratching against the sketchpad was actually soothing to Bucky.

Bucky was okay with sitting still for Steve, even if it was for around 2 and half to 3 hours of it. Bucky always loved watching Steve work; he loved the way his eyebrows furrowed when he was deep in thought, when he would glance up from the sketchpad and study Bucky like he was a glorious work of art he had to draw just right, and the soft grunts he would make when he messed something up and had to erase it.

He finished the sketch around midnight. Steve stood, stretched and yawned before giving Bucky the okay to move. Bucky instantly slid down on the bed and stretched out as well.

"You know, I was checking out some of those brochures in the lobby and there's a lot of cool stuff to do here. Why don't we spend the day in the city tomorrow and spend another night here before heading out on the road again?" Steve suggested as he crawled under the covers with Bucky. They sat with their backs propped up against the headboard with pillows.

"Sure, Stevie, that sounds swell," Bucky agreed.

Steve handed Bucky his sketchbook to look at the drawing.

"Hey, I think you've gotten better, Steve, this is amazing!" Bucky doted.

He flipped the book to the beginning and noticed the sketches all started from the 21st century. There was a landscape of Time Square, an Iphone, Thor's hammer, Bruce Banner wearing Hulk hands, Natasha in her catsuit filing her nails, Tony smiling behind his bar, Clint's face all bruised and bandaged up, more various landscapes from New York City and just a bunch of the team. Steve had about 4 pages filled with just Tony's arc reactor. Tony in the suit, Tony not in the suit, Tony in the lab with Bruce, Tony by himself and just generally Tony.

"You've got a lot of Stark in here..." Bucky commented as he continued flipping through pages.

"He looks a lot like Howard, sketching him was as close as I would ever get to something from the past," Steve explained.

Bucky hummed in acknowledgment and mindlessly continued flipping. He raised his eyebrows and scoffed before holding up one of the sketches to Steve;

"I don't think you'd ever have drawn Howard like that..." He commented.

Steve's face flushed a bit in embarrassment when he gazed upon the sketch. It was Tony completely naked with a magazine covering his junk. He was lying on a beach chair by the pool with a martini in his hand and a bright smile.

"That...um..." Steve stammered.

"Did you...I mean were you and him..." Bucky began to ask.

"No, Bucky, of course not. It wasn't like that, Tony just...he's just got such radiant energy and I really enjoyed drawing it," Steve tried to explain.

Bucky pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows like he wasn't buying whatever Steve was trying to sell.

"Look, he just saw some of the pictures I'd done of you and wanted me to draw one like that of him. It was the middle of summer and we hadn't had a mission in over a week and we were bored and the guy has breathtaking vanity issues so I figured what the hell and drew him," Steve explained.

"Oh yeah? Did you fuck him afterwords too? Because I mean that's what we did after you used to draw me like that," Bucky pressed.

"No! Of course not! It wasn't..." Steve sighed, "It was strictly artistic. Tony and I are just friend."

Bucky made a face like he was going to accept the answer and drop it, but he didn't fully believe Steve. He turned the page,

"Oh come on, Steve! This one can't be artistic!" He exclaimed as he held up a picture of Natasha lying on the sofa completely naked. She posed exactly like Rose from the Titanic and Steve grabbed the sketchpad back.

"That...that was a one time thing," Steve said guiltily.

"Did you just fuck your way through the Avengers? Am I going to see a sketch of Thor with nothing but his hammer? I mean come on, Steve!" Bucky questioned.

"I didn't have sex with the Avengers! I mean...okay Natasha and I did, but that's only because called dibs on taking my virginity," Steve rambled.

"You're not a virgin dumbass!"

"I'd never had sex with a woman! So...female virginity, I don't know the point is it was a one time thing and..."

"Were you planning on telling me you'd fucked Natasha?" Bucky questioned.

"If it ever came up I would have told you! It didn't really seem that important," Steve shrugged.

Bucky's jaw dropped and he laughed sarcastically. He was completely bewildered that Steve would just gloss over having sex with an ex KGB agent he'd met years ago in the Red Room.

"And you don't really have the right to get mad about this, Bucky, you chased more skirts than..."

"That's different..."

"No, it's not. You've had sex with a fair amount of women, Buck. God forbid I sleep with someone other than you. And, I also thought you were dead, so you can't really hold this against me," Steve cut him off.

Bucky simply sighed, Steve was right. He couldn't be mad at Steve for this. Bucky reached over and took Steve's hand and gave it a squeeze.

"I'm sorry," He finally admitted, "I know you must have been lonely."

"At least I don't have to be anymore," Steve smiled.

Bucky smiled at Steve. He then leaned in, placed a hand on Steve's face gently and pressed their lips together. It hurt a little less this time, but the stabbing pain was still noticeable. Bucky tried to push it away as Steve deepened the kiss, focusing on Steve completely. Steve was cautious at first, as to not push Bucky too much. He knew it was hurting Bucky, he could tell by the way his body tensed when he touched him.

Steve traced the outline of Bucky's bottom lip with his tongue and Bucky pulled him closer, tugging at his shirt. Steve slid Bucky down the bed a bit and hovered over him, not pressing his body too close just yet. Bucky ran his flesh hand through Steve's hair, and had the metal one held up by near his head, fingers laced with Steve's. He couldn't believe Steve didn't mind the metal arm. He treated both arms exactly the same, like he was trying to normalize it for Bucky. Let him know it's okay that he has it. As Steve began to trace passionate kisses down Bucky's neck he felt Bucky grip his shoulder a little too tight. His breaths became uneven and he heard Bucky let out a painful grunt. Steve immediately pulled away to study Bucky's expression. He was in pain, but was also trying to hide it from Steve.

"Maybe we should stop," Steve suggested in a breathy whisper.

"I'm sorry," Bucky whispered back.

"Don't be, I know this is hard for you and I know you're trying," Steve shook his head and rolled off his lover.

Bucky sighed and rolled over so he was curled into Steve's body. Head resting on his shoulder and arm draped across his chest. His leg hitched over Steve and Steve grabbed his thigh and held it there.

"It get's a little less painful each time," Bucky informed.

"That's good, that means it's not permanent," Steve encouraged.

Bucky hummed happily and snuggled himself a little closer to Steve. Steve reached up, turned off the light and wrapped his arms around Bucky before drifting off to sleep.


End file.
